Setting aside the fact that I have not read the Fifty Shades series due to what has been described to me as the books' rather lackluster prose, sometime misogyny and excessively silly romantic situations, I would like to explore the idea that mature, confident, independent women do sometimes face the catch-22 of wanting to be strong in the world while wanting to be 'taken care of' -- and not just sexually -- in romantic relationships.
This phenomenon may not seem fair to men who seek a relationship founded on equal support, care, understanding and check-covering, which, admittedly, seems like a fair request. Nevertheless, strong, confident women who advocate for themselves all day in the world often find that they want the men in their lives to be giving.
There are socio-political, socio-cultural and socio-emotional reasons that strong women seek caretaking behavior from men in relationships.
The most obvious socio-political argument points to the inequity built into the patriarchal political systems in our society. Another key issue that unfortunately highlights the inherent inequality in our country and our world is personal safety. It is logical for women to expect that thoughtful, considerate men will take these steps as a matter of course, enabling us to feel that much more assured of our own personal safety. To me, the clearest socio-cultural justification for seeking to be taken care of in a relationship is the pressure placed on women -- even in our so-called modern society -- to keep men interested over time and to consistently present ourselves for men in a sexy, flirtatious, enticing, slim-and-shapely and continually-youthful way.
Because we primp, preen, prep and prime ourselves in these ways for the benefit and attention of men, (let's face it, few of us endure hot wax for our own enjoyment), it is nice to feel that we are being taken care of or even courted once we are on the date that we have spent numerous hours, dollars and grimaces prepping for. Connected to the idea of chivalry in the socio-cultural realm is the idea of not wanting each date to feel like a business negotiation, which can be stressful and cause awkward tension. As for socio-emotional rationale, which I think is paramount, in American society (and yes this is a broad generalization), women are socialized to be giving, caring, cooperative, communicative 'connectors.' We are taught to seek and preserve intimacy and to take care of and be responsible for others, while men are given very little of this socialization if at all. First, as strong, confident women we have enough self-esteem to know our intrinsic worth and to expect someone who respects us, who will continually be there for us and who will remain interested and dedicated enough to want to care for and about us for years to come. Following this (admittedly traditional) line of thought, women also seek caregiving ability in a man who will be father to their children.
Therefore, it becomes crucial, even in the beginning stages of a relationship, for a woman who is interested in these life path choices to see that a man has "staying power," that is, the desire to give, to provide steadfast support and to go out of his way to show his caring, as these behaviors are signs that he possesses mature emotional development, understands what a serious relationship potentially entails and intends to show up for it.
Of course, a woman in a relationship should be willing to plan and treat for various meals and outings, offer practical help when needed and make her feelings clear so that her partner feels safe and loved. The bottom line for mature, independent, confident women is this: We've lived happily on our own for many years, and we'd rather be on our own and not be taken care of than be with someone and not feel taken care of.
4.      Surrounding yourself with positive people, people who believe in you, who are self-confident and have a mindset of success.
The energy that you surround yourself with correlates directly to how fast you will achieve your success.
Linger around too many negative people, and you might have to not only wait a while for success… but work a lot harder to get it! How can you not succeed in life, improve self confidence, gain inner strength, get the courage to try new experiences…when you are not afraid of failure?
If you get that failure is just part of the process, just part of your learning…if you understand that, well than you are definitely on your way to achieving your dreams! Just like last weeks self-confidence quote by Einstein, Eleanor Roosevelt expresses similarly that we can only grow and improve self confidence and inner strength by having the courage to try new experiences, in spite of the fear we face – the fear of failure and the fear of making mistakes. Visualization allows your mind to get used to your dreams and goals and when these get imprinted in your subconscious mind, your success is inevitable. To improve self confidence one has to try new things, make mistakes and learn from those mistakes. For me a sense of accomplishing my goals and dreams is definitely the road that moves me towards success, but how to achieve that success, who I am becoming along the way and the feeling of satisfaction that comes after… are the keys to happiness.
I hear all the time about people trying to help women who are 40+ find a partner, in fact I was talking about this just last night to one. I’ll spare the unfortunate blogger’s name because she isn’t the only one who believes this tripe. Perhaps the saddest thing about today’s SIWs is that they have no clue about what true strength really is. AVFM depends on readers like you to help us pay expenses related to operations and activism.
However, with me, I don’t like most SIW, because they remind me of men with female bodies. Pretending to be strong is a lot easier than being truly strong and when the zeitgeist seems to validate your day dreams there’s no incentive to be truly strong.
If you’ve had the other half of the demographic constantly struggling and dying to make life easier, more comfortable, and safer for you throughout centuries, you must be so bored out of your skull by now, that any chance of playing make believe becomes a welcomed diversity from the unbearable daily humdrum. I mean, even kids usually figure out pretty fast, that even negative attention is still some sort of attention.. When you have the power of the state behind you it’s very easy for a timid cat to be a fierce tigress. Strong and independent and subsidized by the parasitic state in a hundred ways at others expense. A Centers for Disease Control and Prevention survey of women between 22 and 44 that questioned more than 13,500 respondents between 2006 and 2008 found very similar numbers: Only 1 percent of the women identified themselves as gay, while 4 percent identified as bisexual.
I could write an entire post on here about the stupid, offensive and downright self-sabotaging things women have said on dates.
Like a Nazi SS officer with a lady boner for a Jewish chick, the night was not going to end well for the object of her affections.
I find it interesting to imagine society’s reaction if men started going on with a gender reversed version of this SIW cherry picking twaddle, the feminists would go crazy. I think most men are attracted to, and would love to be involved with, a Strong Independent Woman.
The sad thing is that many of these women could have led happy well balanced lives if they hadn’t been fed feminist shibboleths through academia and the media all their lives. A world without feminism would be a very different and much happier place for men and women.


Regrettably, the strong independent man comes after you’ve been beaten to a pulp far to many times. Alas, strong, busy, and independent very, very often comes with angry, frustrated, and miserable. Although I prefer the first three qualities in a partner, I simply refuse to deal with the rest.
Every once in a while, Hollywood manages to break through the dark clouds of its usual, utterly mind-numbing stupidity, in sudden flashes of stunning, overwhelming moments of clarity: This scene is a moment of nova-intensity brightness in the history of movie dialogues. The fact is that men dont need women for anything other than sex, and neither does society.
So My statement is “bullshit” because of some other stuff I posted on THIS site?
That is, some women want to be completely respected for their capabilities and strength of character while also wanting to be led, supported and cared for emotionally, socially and yes, sometimes even economically when they are with a man.
They want the door held open for them, a shared umbrella, an invitation to a date planned and paid for by the man in their lives.
Women around the world hold only 20% of powerful political positions, and while our country claims to be post-feminist, we have yet to see a female President, the national female corporate board-membership rate is 12% and on average, women are paid about 80 cents to the working man's dollar.
Seeing ourselves reflected in society as receiving less money, respect and opportunity than men might push women to be independent-minded in our professional lives, but these elements of inequality can cause even the feminists among us to feel that we deserve to be treated that much more nicely -- even specially -- by the men in our personal lives.
Nationally, 95% of domestic violence victims chronicled by visits to the ER are women and globally, one out of three women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. Some clear signs include feeling that we are being listened to, supported, cared about, emotionally given-to, nurtured, thought about with affection and gentleness and treated with forethought and consideration.
American media and male expectation have seen to it that women attempt to live up to these pressures and standards and this burden can cause women to go to excessive lengths -- including spending time, money and in some cases, enduring emotional distress -- in order to 'prepare' ourselves for men (and to prepare ourselves to be seen by other women who are competing for the attention of men). And some of this good-natured ribbing is acceptable, or even in some cases graciously welcome, if appropriate elements of chivalry are employed in tandem with it. When a man plans a fun excursion or suggests a new restaurant and pays for the couple, the date becomes both simpler and more romantic; thus, even women who are fully capable of planning an outing or footing a bill often prefer this mode, at least at the beginning of a relationship. We often take on the responsibility of keeping calendars and schedules, whether they are for our families or our offices; we teach and nurse and counsel, making up the majority of most social service professions. Those of us who are lucky have our parents, including caring and devoted fathers, to lovingly thank for that.
By our mid-30's, women have seen many of our friends go through these milestones and traumas and we have seen that it takes a real man (read: a caring, steadfast, supportive and giving man) to stand by their side and be there for them through the difficulties as well as the joys in life. The more a woman sees a man as a potential partner, the more seeing evidence of this type of behavior becomes significant. If we're going to be with somebody long-term, we want to find the man who loves our strength and wants to make us feel cared for in the ways I have discussed. For the record, and with years of action research to my name, I can confirm: It is very a tricky pursuit indeed. I’m genuinely interested in your thoughts and questions so I can answer them in future blogs…the comments box is just below. It’s bandied about quite a bit these days, especially when ladies over 40 are complaining about the dating scene and their collective inability to be successful in it.
Through this conversation I found out: Women feel like they *have* to find someone because everyone keeps mentioning it.
Much of society—men and women—willingly buy into the myth that the “strong, independent woman” (SIW) is somehow the unfortunate victim of a dating world that devalues these catches.
Proponents of this self-ascribed moniker use it to describe a woman who is not going to be any man’s doormat.
Long story short, my former beloved decided to take a male co-worker with her to her grandfather’s birthday party, only informing me of this after returning from said party. These women are too busy being exactly what they say they are— independent—and that’s the polar opposite of what relationships are all about.
If they have to proclaim they are a strong and independent woman then they are likely just bitches who conflate their opinions of themselves with strong independent women.
Ever since I read an article in the Atlantic a couple of years ago about how Americans over estimate how many gay people make up the general population.
I can imagine some guy bleating on a date, or in whatever social situation he is an SIM, gee what a wanker he would be.
I think it’s a kind of projection strategy, so that if anyone points out their behavior, they will automatically be an MRA that is late to the party and wearing the same dress. I walked away from an SIW who was hitting on me in the bar once and made the mistake of staying at the bar, talking to other women. The curse of feminism is that it insists you must hate men in order to be successful, while the reality is of course that there’s no such requirement. You spend a lot of time here skirting the edges of comment policy and needling other commenters. When eventually thrown in our faces, the rest of us would have to explain why he wasn’t called on it, issued a comment policy warning or ban-hammered, had it not been for the vigilance of an AVfM moderator, Suzanne McCarley, who has been rewarded for protecting our credibility with accusations of reacting to having her female feelings hurt. The stronger a woman is emotionally or professionally in her daily life, the more she may desire some aspect of this. Thus, the need for women to advocate for ourselves in the workplace belies the notion of true equality. It becomes a refreshing change of pace: When a man's kind treatment comes from a desire to give, we can relax, be ourselves and not have to push so hard. We are giving and helping, loving and sharing; we support each other emotionally and we know how to take care of people. A man's ability to demonstrate that he can be giving, emotionally and otherwise, is vital in the early stages of a relationship.
I don't care if he was raised in this religion or that religion or no religion -- as long as he was raised to value the sacred and to know every moment of life, and every moment of life with you, is deeply sacred.


Again, this will include taking care of those children in innumerable emotional and practical ways. If you know clearly what you want and it inspires you to achieve that goal or make that dream come true, perseverance is your guarantee that success is coming. The moment you think it should be any other way, you give away your power, and feel frustrated that there is nothing you can do about the situation. They tend to put up with partners that aren’t a good match, just to prove a point that they’re trying. Sadly, it’s this kind of enabling that allows these repugnant, combative women to once again project their problems onto men. When I expressed my discomfort with her decision, she hopped up on her high horse and had it trample me underfoot, loudly proclaiming that a “strong, independent woman” doesn’t need anyone’s permission to have a male friend.
If you do, you’ll soon realize she’s really saying it to convince herself and you’re nothing more than a surrogate audience. Humans are pack animals by nature, and we expect our relationships to be a partnership where both members love, respect, and above all compromise with each other for the betterment of the union.
True strength comes from a willingness to be vulnerable enough to tell your partner that you are much better person with them in your life, and that you love and appreciate them for it.
When not working on his next novel, he is often pondering the far-reaching effects of a biased legal system and the pain it causes. This comes from a lifetime of getting their way by whining, appealing to emotions, and tattletelling to authorities.
She was very handy around the house, doing home repair and maintenance that men usually do and she did it very well; perhaps even better than most men.
Needless to say, the SIW and her like-minded cohorts stood in a line and glared at me from across the bar all night. They think because they have strong feelings then they must be correct which plays out In their high opinion of themselves .
Highly recommended for lots of reasons, but for someone who has swallowed the red pill, that movie becomes almost a comedy (in a good way, I mean, laughter-of-recognition-wise). Take for example the military structures that function for sometimes years away from civilization without any women (yes they have them now but they are not needed).
Thirdly, thank you for maintaining the consistent ethical standards and integrity which set AVfM apart from those sites which would probably celebrate wgone’s repugnant denigration of women as valid and insightful social commentary. Most women are kind, reasonable, realistic people who want to make sure that their partner feels secure and loved.
What separates the great form the rest, is not just their big dreams but also how they deal with the challenges they experience on the way to success. Peace and self confidence can be experienced only when you feel you are in your own power, or …empowered. Men in this age range tend to prefer younger women, which annoys and discourages the 40+ year old women. In other words, these women enjoy being combative with men and they seek out every opportunity to argue, berate, and belittle men. SIWs prefer to blame their situation on external forces rather than look within themselves to find the true source of their problems. SIWs are oblivious to this concept because they’re too busy trying to prove how “strong” and “independent” they are, usually by picking fights with the men in their lives over every matter, big and small. Here is an example of a group of women trying to for an all women TV network and it flopped. I posted one unpopular opinion that i supported with my reasons – and all of a sudden i am being targeted – TO hell with you!
Most are not asking for fancy meals, fancy trips or fancy things; they know that the company is always the most important factor.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but men are usually wanting to support, protect and care for women, and this is harder for them to envision with a strong, busy, independent woman.
What’s worse, they truly believe that this obstinate behavior is a “right” and “duty” of all women, and anyone who doesn’t agree with it or understand it is just a controlling, patriarchal knuckle-dragger who is living in the Dark Ages.
Saying that “men can’t handle a strong, independent woman” shifts the blame onto the male gender of men (as per usual), thus sparing these miserable wretches the arduous task of indulging in even the slightest modicum of self-examination.
They believe offering men love, respect, and compromise is being weak on their part, even though they demand these very same things from the men in their lives. They simply want to feel taken care of, and it is important not to confuse them with the women who have withheld love and support or prioritized money and status and thus caused hurt feelings. SIWs are on a crusade to show dominance over the male gender, and they take no prisoners and grant no quarter.
And there is an army of like-minded SIWs out there willing to enable their sisters in their times of suffering, further perpetuating this mythology.
Perhaps all the SIWs out there should just ignore these words and simply continue doing what they’ve always done and hope to achieve different results. Once I moved in, however, the first thing she did was try to put me to work to do the work that she had been doing all along before I moved in. In other words, the term strong, independent woman is simply a code phrase for a stubborn, entitled, selfish, and uncompromising bitch. She then invited her friends over for dinner and during a conversation, she passive-aggressively mentioned how tired she was from mowing the lawn for three hours, knowing what the response from her friends would be.



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