As the heading suggests, today I`d like to take a brief look at the concept of non-violent communication.
At the Scrum Gathering in Las Vegas I had the opportunity to attend a presentation given by Juan Banda on using Non-Violent Communication (NVC) with Scrum. Imagine greater intimacy with your partner and ask them this question: a€?Tell me what you are most afraid to say?a€? Check in for a second: how do you feel? Could you be feeling scared, terrified or sad, lonely, disheartened, or maybe another emotion by asking this question? What if you could safely communicate and be able to respond, no matter what they said or did?The communication technique of Non-Violent Communication (NVC) developed by Dr.
Even though we had the need on the table, she was still hearing the criticism from all the years before and it was not easy to hear his needs. NVC is a four-step technique that focuses on connecting our feelings to the life-serving energy inside us: our needs. Non-violent communication considerably less intelligently starved during four cups and wheres phototag. And no matter what the other person says, all you hear is the unmet need they are trying to communicate. Finding the need gives us as human beings a chance to do what we enjoy doing, contributing to the well-being of people. But the expression of the language is usually in the form of a criticism, analysis or diagnosis or something that implies some kind of pathology. The most intimate things are the most important to us and are the things we need to learn how to express well. If we regularly say to each other in partnership, a€?What are you afraid to tell me?a€? that opens us up to greater closeness. Not just complements and praise, but telling the partner exactly what they did and how it enriched our lives. So those two things: saying the scary things, how our needs have not been met, and celebrating needs met. So the next words out of a partner's mouth will usually be tragic because the language sets it up so that is sounds like a criticism to the other person. And if the person does what we want because they are responding to our criticism then they will be doing it out of an energy that we will pay for. Because it is being met by guilt, shame or a form of manipulation by believing that if we do what they want they will give us love.
Consider, a€?what is the need behind the no?a€? What need keeps the other person from saying yes? When the other person can trust that you will understand the good reason why they are saying no and why they are not comfortable to meet your need, then they are hearing a request and not a demand.


In order to enjoy intimacy, we need to contribute willingly to the other person's wellbeing because it meets our need to contribute to peoples' wellbeing. And there's nothing that we like to do more, especially for the people we are closest with, unless we hear criticism or demands. Before they got into a relationship, they were the product of a culture that uses guilt and shame as a motivation.
So they don't have a concept of what we call a€?giving self-fully.a€? We have only two words. One is selfish, where you seem to only care about yourself, and the other one is selfless which is what we are trained to be in a domination culture. Meaning that you show your love for another person by denying your needs, giving in and doing whatever they want but in fact if we really want to enjoy relationships we need to give fully which means we are not giving out of any guilt, shame to buy the other person's love. We are, in a sense, giving to ourselves that joy that comes from contributing to a person's wellbeing.Now, it is natural, I believe, that most creatures enjoy contributing to others of their own species for the most part. He was enormously generous about going down to the house of a neighbor woman who was physically handicapped.
I was presenting things to the people I loved the most: my family, my wife, in a way that the culture I was in taught me - that these things were obligations, so he saw shoveling our walk as an obligation, which took all the joy out of it.
But for a neighbor, he would shovel it and even check the weather report the night before just in case it would snow and he would get up early before school just so he could shovel her drive. Our language makes it easy.a€? The interviewer said, a€?What language?a€? He replied, a€?My fellow officers and I coined our own language.
So, folover example, if somebody asks you why did you it, you say it is my duty, my obligation, I had to, one should, one must.a€? So it is a language that denies choice. You don't have any choice.a€? But in fact, human beings never do anything they don't choose to do. So NVC allows us to find what was going on inside of us that caused us to exhibit the behavior. They just give a judgment of themselves like, a€?I am a failure as a wife, as a husband.a€? They only know to blame themselves. So it is a gift to the other person to clearly express what is causing the pain inside us; not to put our needs ahead or try to get them met though duty or guilt. It is habitual for us to make these judgments inside ourselves and toward the people we love the most. Any living thing has in its consciousness the ability to get its needs met or it does not survive. If a tree puts its roots down into a dry area it has to have something internal inside to make a choice and shift where to put its roots. Whether it is a tree, mosquito or a human being, what is natural is a language of life, a language of needs.


Because they are part of the language of domination, it is one passing judgment on another. What makes it more complex is that people are trained to use praise as reward, as a manipulation to get people to do what they want.
For example, parents I work with, teachers, managers in industry have been trained in courses and by other people to use praise and compliments as rewards.
In a family, we are taught that if you praise and compliment children daily, they are more likely to do what you want. And managers in industry are trained to do this, showing them how to use praise and compliments as rewards.
To me, this is a violent form of communication because it is using language as a manipulation that destroys the beauty of sincere gratitude. So in NVC we show people to make sure that before you open your mouth to get clear that the purpose is not to manipulate a person by rewarding them. To celebrate the life that has been enriched by what the other person has contributed to you.
Then, once conscious to make clear three things in this celebration; first, what the person did that enriched your life, not a generality, like a€?your so kind, beautiful, or wonderfula€? but what concretely did they do for you. And third, what need of yours was fulfilled inside you by their contribution? I had just finished saying this to a group of teachers, telling them about the dangers of using praise and complements as rewards. I showed them how to do it this other way and I must not have done a good job of explaining this because afterward, a woman came up and said, a€?You were brilliant.a€? I said, a€?That is no help. I have been called a lot of names in my life some positive and some far from positive and I could never recall learning anything of value from someone telling me what I am. In the case of celebration, you can trust it is being done with no manipulation so that you will keep doing it or say something nice about them. I have been showing families how to do the same and take time to acknowledge how you have enriched each other's lives. When I do, I ask the couples who has the longest conflict that has not been resolved in their relationships and I make a prediction.
I predict that we will be able to resolve the problem 20 minutes from the point in which it is clear what the needs are that are not being met from both sides. Many people are very skeptical that this will happen because many of these couples have been married for 10- 30 years.



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