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ROLL OPENING CREDITS while Chris drives through various locations as intensely as he is able.
Chris’ INCREDIBLY NATURAL EXPOSITION about Yamato Takeru no Mikoto (whose involvement in the plot is never further expounded upon) is interrupted when his ENIGMATIC NECKLACE suddenly rattles and shimmers with a mild RAINBOW OVERLAY. As you might have been able to guess, this movie KIND of goes off the rails somewhere around its FIRST MINUTE. So, space is like, an unfertilized egg, right, and the aliens are fertilizing it with the… intergalactic sperm of intelligent life? Despite its penchant for montages and giant exposition dumps, the movie also never slows down to explain anything. This is basically the same movie as Armageddon, except instead of He-Manchild Heisung flying a space ship through a comet in order to travel to another dimension and SAVE THE FUTURE from wrap-around sunglasses-wearing COMMANDER KASEROS and his master, Space Skynet, you have Ordinary High School Girl (TM) Samy ascending to Buddhism-fueled Goddesshood in order to save the multiverse from the clutches of the Biblical Noah’s Demonic Twin Brother (and amateur Captain Harlock impersonator) Noa, and his master, the DEMON EMPEROR. Also at some point the movie suddenly stops being Alice in Wonderland and starts being Saint Seiya, complete with a correspondingly sudden revamp of Samy’s appearance, all over the course of her falling into the water and coming up for air.
Not that it really needs dialogue when the main draw is the show’s infamously poor animation during basically any given action sequence. However, while I would HIGHLY recommend checking out some of the compilations, digests, and highlight reels people have put together for this show, I wouldn’t suggest watching the show unabridged, unless you have a method of making the long swathes of untranslated dialogue (talking is easy to animate lol) more entertaining. Because sometimes you just have to make an anime about a ridiculously busty gunslinger who reloads using her tits. Basically, Grenadier is an anime about a woman named Rushuna Tendo who was trained in Equilibrium-style gunkata as a member of her majesty’s secret service going on a journey across a Vaguely Feudal Fantasyland in order to spread peace by SHOOTING THE EVIL OUT OF ALL THE BAD GUYS. If that sounds suspiciously like the premise for a good anime, though, don’t let the awesome spin I put on it fool you. What if you took Castlevania and replaced Dracula with Nobunaga, complete with super hammy voice acting?
Black Lion is an edge case for this category, since Nobunaga‘s Faustian Bargain in this one is more figurative than literal.
Also I’m pretty sure the English dub for this is literally people reading the subtitles with no context, word for word. At first I thought that maybe Darkside Blues was suffering from a textbook case of Bad Adaptation Syndrome, but after reading some reviews of its source material, it would appear that the manga version of this unfinished piece of crap is just as poorly realized as its animated counterpart. Needless to say this goes about as well for our friend Laserfingers as can really be expected of a no-name mook trying to assassinate a god damn title character.
Kenya Boy is an anime about an Ordinary Japanese Boy (natch) who is touring Africa with his father when World War II breaks out and they suddenly have to go on the run from the British colonial authorities.

It has a martial arts mentor figure named MASTER ASIA, THE UNDEFEATED OF THE EAST, who takes down giant robots ON FOOT USING ONLY A RIBBON. It features NORMAL UNARMED HUMANS martial artsing a collapsed skyscraper so hard that both they AND it fly straight up into the air, AS A MINOR PLOT POINT, IN A SHOW ABOUT A GIANT ROBOT MARTIAL ARTS TOURNAMENT TO DETERMINE THE NEXT RULER OF SPACE. There are literally so many bad animes in this category that it could really warrant an entire post of its own.
Health & Fitness has nothing to do with being thin, and contrary to popular belief neither does in have much to do with being fat. He is an expert on bad anime and gifs, so he is more than qualified to give you a run down on this subject.
Could this insect’s convoluted situation in fact be a metaphor for Chris’ own life? The river below suddenly explodes with BLUE ENERGY DRAGONS which shoot into the sky and converge on Naked Chris and his duck captor, exploding into a PINK ENERGY WAVE that envelops the screen. Characters are named and then instantly forgotten, the voice actors continue to trip over their own impossibly stilted lines, the script continues to just straight up leave random Japanese words untranslated, and Chris’ high school reunion pool party (Rumiko) continues to be a plot point. Watching Armageddon is kind of like watching a train wreck that lasts an hour and a half, and yet somehow never slows down or stops crashing into things. Of course, in grand tradition, Samy’s story also features an almost insulting lack of agency on the part of the female protagonist. The show also features a gratuitous number of clothing optional hot springs and Rushuana sadly has basically no personality beyond optimistically believing that if she hugs enough people (also clothing optional) it’ll eventually add up to world peace. This movie comes with a fairly stupid English dub that goes hand in hand with some hilariously awkward writing.
People are decapitated and eviscerated left and right, heads are blown up, impaled, and squashed like overripe tomatoes, robot samurai turn a dude into swiss cheese with cyber gatling guns, ninjas poison a dude and then stab him like seventeen times JUST TO BE SAFE, families are massacred, nuclear cores are detonated, marijuana is weaponized, and over it all runs an English dub so laughable it actually manages to make all this outrageous over-the-top bullshit Go Nagai is blasting onto your screen EVEN MORE IMPOSSIBLE TO TAKE SERIOUSLY THAN USUAL. Darkside Blues starts with a no-splash high-dive directly off the deep end, and it doesn’t resurface. The movie ends without actually resolving any of its stupid plotlines or even really explaining basically anything, and is capped off by a shot of some recurring but ultimately pointless character basically making a trollface at the audience as the movie fades out. BASICALLY, the first ten minutes of this movie are just there to lull you into a false sense of security; once this film gets rolling it makes almost every other anime on this list seem downright coherent. Or will Sekirei instead find herself drawn into the not-even-remotely-interested-in-her-advances arms of the rebellion’s other resident bad-boy and most dangerous soldier, MD Geist????? The movie’s score kicks back in as Naked Chris is sucked into the spectral duck and dragged away as it flies off, leaving Clothed Chris behind, driving his motorcycle down the highway, COMPLETELY NONPLUSSED.

Like seriously, she spends the entire movie doing literally nothing but being protected by other people until, as mentioned, she awakens to the POWER OF THE UNIVERSE and ULTIMATE ENLIGHTENMENT and decides (in a worryingly (to her God-sent allies) autonomous fashion) that she isn’t really super interested in taking sides in the war between heaven and hell that has apparently been going on since the beginning of the universe. There are people out there who translate shit like Ikki Tousen, on their own time, FOR FREE, and even they have better things to do than translate Musashi Gundoh. Any scene involving running or horseback riding looks like they just kind of pasted a choppy gif over an uncropped photograph. Also, as previously mentioned, she keeps her ammo in her cleavage and reloads one-handed by somehow bouncing a bunch of bullets into the air and whipping her revolver through them. The soundtrack is also sometimes hilariously ill-fitting, with one track in particular making several scenes impossible to take seriously. The second in a series of five relatively self-contained Spirit Warrior OVAs, this anime features a satanic cult using a demonic version of the Book of Revelation to bring Nobunaga back from Hell so he can awaken the soul of the woman who is the reincarnation of his vassal Ranmaru in order to help kidnap a girl who has the POWER OF ASHURA which they need before they can raise the eponymous Castle of Illusion from the sea and summon the monstrous Cherubim inside it that will bring about the APOCALYPSE. Like, the story opens with a clock striking 13, followed by a spider covering the entire room with red webbing, followed by a woman being tortured via being turned into gold, followed by Darkside entering the movie by suddenly phasing through the wall while driving A FLYING HORSE DRAWN CARRIAGE.
At this point the acid the movie dropped during the opening credits kicks in and we spend the next 80-some-odd minutes watching the anime equivalent of Theodore Roosevelt snorting Allan Quatermain’s ENTIRE STASH of taduki and having an INCREDIBLY bad trip. Drawn on freckles, drawn on natural brows, #nomakeupmakeup product details in the description box of the video !
Also they spend so little time together outside of the montage that later when the main character has a flashback to all the good times they shared, his flashback montage consists of what happened literally JUST BEFORE the flashback, proceded by the initial relationship montage, in its entirety. Literally ANY ATTEMPT at dynamic changes of perspective results in characters faces becoming even more off-model than usual.
But even if everything else about this movie had been perfectly executed, I’d STILL have included it on this list simply because the ending of the movie has Nobunaga transforming into DEMON GODZILLA.
And if that seems at all convoluted to you, trust me, it makes even less sense while you’re watching it. Almost every in-battle movement is accomplished by JUMPING, because having a character shittily leap off-screen and then having just BE wherever you need them in the next shot is apparently all this studio could fucking handle. Also Nobunaga comes back to life STILL RIDING HIS HORSE and stays on it for almost the ENTIRE MOVIE, even inside, because Dracunaga is nothing if not a totally committed equestrian.

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