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We are sending this letter to all parents to help educate you about head lice so that you can take steps at home to help prevent your child from contracting head lice. Sure, we all know that head lice don’t spread disease and are not a serious medial condition, but GODDAMN if it doesn’t feel like the plague, right? Lice can’t jump, fly or swim and they can’t survive on pets (so they say), but we all know that kids don’t seem to have a fucking clue about physical boundaries and are always all up in each other’s personal space and that's how kids are spreading the bugs around at school. I think we can all agree that we would all have better luck stapling running water to a slab of ice than to get kids to follow directions, but we can’t give up on you, the parents. At the risk of minimizing your upset and invalidating your feelings about the bug alert and making myself sounds like a total pussy in the process, I have to say that your stress is nothing compared to what I deal with every damn day as the administrator of this school. It’s not even October and I’ve already stepped up my nightly ritual of drinking a six pack of light beer to a dozen jiggers of hard liquor.
Next, you need to UNDERSTAND that killing off the creepy crawlers on your kid’s melon does NOT mean that you are done.
It’s a lot of work and you aren’t in the clear for a good three weeks after you fumigate your crib. I don’t give a rat’s ass if your mom or your cousin Shirley’s sister Barbara told you something different about treating and preventing lice that contradicts the information we are sending home. Just to be sure you are adequately mortified and motivated, you will be dealing with THIS if you don't get with the goddamn program! Because I AM your pal, I am enclosing coupons for buy one get one free 12-packs of Miller Lite, boxed wines (white or red) and various whiskey blends, bourbons and distilled spirits from our local liquor depot.
Take, for instance, this new Frozen, Tangled and The Little Mermaid theory that has started floating around websites like Tumblr.
It may be a little harder to merge the animal-centric movies like Robin Hood into a unified Disney theory. The biggest comedic moment in The Angry Birds Movie happens when two characters find out the giant lake they have been swimming in is a massive pool of Mighty Eagle's urine. Hello, all you creepy lovebones, and welcome to Ask Dr NerdLove, the only dating advice column covered by the Sakovia Accords.
Those stubborn little fuckers are tricky, opportunistic and crawl faster than an unsupervised baby towards an exposed live wire. If you tell a kid NOT to do something, that thing is the first fucking thing they do, right? So let’s just stop playing the tit for tat game and work together like mature grown up parents to eradicate these little fucking hair bugs on each of our own turf, okay?

Some of you are helpful and understanding, but there are a good lot of you who are out of your fucking minds. You people are tough to please, but you don't see me getting all up in your face and barking back at you when I'm not happy, do you? I realize the idea of having thousands of vampire bugs crawling all over your kid and crib is terribly upsetting, therefore I’m just doing my part to make the whole process just a little easier.
With Pokemon X&Y being the first Pokemon games being released on the same date worldwide, Japanese gamers could no longer claim early access to the beloved RPG franchisee. Disney movie fans have come up with some rather out-there theories about Disney films, too. The point, as it always tends to be with these bonkers fan theories, is that they’re fun to think about. This is also a formal way to beg those of you who aren't doing your due diligence at home to get rid of it and stop sending your infested kid to school with it to get your shit together. I know you think it’s easier for us to deal with problems like lice as well as your kids daily bullshit because we get paid, but you are wrong. I just got the whiny little bastards out of my house after dealing with their shit day in and day out during the hottest summer on record since 1995. I have to sit with my thumb up my ass, listening to you bitch about whatever the complaint of the day happens to be.
She might not realize it, but she is also a total asshole for spreading lies and misinformation. If you kid did that, you’d be all – hey, stop doing everything half ass – so set a good example for crying out loud. If you find yourself too intoxicated to make a run to the drug store to buy more cleaning supplies, I am also enclosing a list of designated driver phone numbers of women from the PTA who have generously donated their services to the school in lieu of having to participate in the fall fundraiser. And it makes you wonder what other Disney movies you can mash together like this — might there be a way to make a unified Disney theory, just like there’s a unified Pixar theory? At school we are telling them not to share brushes, hats, hair bands or personal items, and what do you think they do five seconds after the talk?
It may not cost us in cash dollars, but your little fuck trophy is only one of 30 kids in a classroom. Just a few weeks ago I had no less than 50 of you idiots crying about the shitty teacher assigned to your child this year. Lice is as common in the grade schools as naked text photos are on the cell phones of high school kids.

The Barbaras of this world are one of the main reasons people aren't doing what they should be doing to treat and prevent the spread of lice. The response I get after sending letters like this home sucks more than listening to you complain about how your child isn’t a rude little jackass, but actually a gifted and talented mind that isn’t being challenged by his shitty teacher. This means it would be possible for people from each of these movies to visit each other — either by land or by boat.
The cost of handling 30 or more kids just like your crotchfruit or worse, all day, every day, having to be fair, appropriate, patient and encouraging is HUGE. You have to literally boil the shit out of your linens, vacuum the beds, furniture and whatever the fuck else your kid has been near.
How can we do all that AND make sure they don't get hair bugs from the kid standing next to them in line for chicken nuggets in the cafeteria? I work my ass off, we all do here at the schoolhouse and if we weren’t around, you’d have to deal with your children year round. I highly recommend drinking as many alcoholic beverages as you need to settle yourself down while you pick, wash, comb and murder every last nit and bug crawling on your spawn. Basically you have to scour your house from floor to ceiling, and put whatever you can’t boil or bleach in plastic bags for days in order to suffocate the tricky little motherfuckers. If you can’t punch her in the throat to shut her up, at least ignore the crazy bitch, okay?
I’m just asking you to do some really important shit right fucking NOW, so that both of us can breathe a little easier as the school year progresses. The Centers for Disease Control folks may be assholes, I don’t know them personally, but at least they aren’t ignorant. Each will come packed with a downloaded copy of one of the two games (there are separate editions for Pokemon X and Pokemon Y).
They know about diseases and bugs and whatever kind of nasty thing you need to learn about, and trust me, having kids will guarantee that you will need to learn about all kinds of horrible-ness.
The holidays are keeping the numbers high all around, but we’re starting to see some drops for certain systems. Nintendo will introduce the new console on October 12th, the same day that Pokemon X and Pokemon Y launch, for a retail price of $129.99.

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