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Right Click to save picture or tap and hold for seven second if you are using iphone or ipad. The first day I was in second grade, I came to school and noticed that there was a new, very pretty girl in the class—someone who hadn’t been there the previous two years.
The news quickly got back to Alana herself, who stayed as far away from me as possible for days after.
This horrifying experience taught me a critical life lesson—it can be mortally dangerous to be yourself, and you should exercise extreme social caution at all times.
Evolution does everything for a reason, and to understand the origin of this particular insanity, let’s back up for a minute to 50,000BC in Ethiopia, where your Great2,000 Grandfather lived as part of a small tribe. Because of this, humans evolved an over-the-top obsession with what others thought of them—a craving for social approval and admiration, and a paralyzing fear of being disliked. Your Great2,000 Grandfather’s Social Survival Mammoth was central to his ability to endure and thrive. Our bodies and minds are built to live in a tribe in 50,000BC, which leaves modern humans with a number of unfortunate traits, one of which is a fixation with tribal-style social survival in a world where social survival is no longer a real concept. Why else would you try on four outfits and still not be sure what to wear before going out?
And while keeping your highly insecure Social Survival Mammoth feeling calm and safe takes a lot of work, that’s only one half of your responsibilities.
Society has evolved to accommodate this mammoth-feeding frenzy, inventing things like accolades and titles and the concept of prestige in order to keep our mammoths satisfied—and often to incentivize people to do meaningless jobs and live unfulfilling lives they wouldn’t otherwise consider taking part in. With so much thought and energy dedicated to the mammoth’s needs, you often end up neglecting someone else in your brain, someone all the way at the center—your Authentic Voice. And while the mammoth looks only to the outside world in its decision-making process, your Authentic Voice uses the outside world to learn and gather information, but when it’s time for a decision, it has all the tools it needs right there in the core of your brain.
And since our 50,000-year-old brains are wired to give the mammoth a whole lot of sway in things, your Authentic Voice starts to feel like it’s irrelevant.
In tribal times, AVs often spent their lives in quiet obscurity, and this was largely okay. But in today’s large, complex world of varying cultures and personalities and opportunities and options, losing touch with your AV is dangerous. Losing touch with your AV also makes you fragile, because when your identity is built on the approval of others, being criticized or rejected by others really hurts.
Likewise, you know those people who react to being criticized by coming back with a nasty low-blow?
At this point, the mission should be clear—we need to figure out a way to override the wiring of our brain and tame the mammoth. Some people are born with a reasonably tame mammoth or raised with parenting that helps keep the mammoth in check. Most of the time a mammoth is in control of a person, the person’s not really aware of it.
The most obvious way to find the mammoth is to figure out where your fear is—where are you most susceptible to shame or embarrassment? The second place a mammoth hides is in the way-too-good feelings you get from feeling accepted or on a pedestal over other people. Real Woolly Mammoths were unimpressive enough to go extinct, and Social Survival Mammoths aren’t any better. When people shit-talk, they set up a category division of which they’re always on the right side. Being the material a judgy person uses to feel good about themselves is a fairly infuriating thought—but it has no actual consequences and it’s clearly all much more about the judgy person and their mammoth problem than it is about you. The irony of the whole thing is that the obsessive lumbering mammoth isn’t even good at his job. This also holds among friends or colleagues, where AV-run people are more respected and more magnetic—not because there’s necessarily anything extraordinary about them, but because people respect someone with the strength of character to have tamed their mammoth. Absorbing this thought will diminish the fear that you feel, and without fear, the mammoth loses some power. With a weakened mammoth, it becomes possible to begin standing up for who you are and even making some bold changes—and when you watch those changes turn out well for you with few negative consequences and no regrets, it reinforces the epiphany and an empowered AV becomes a habit. I’ve always been a person who believes it is important to form your own, well founded opinion, but especially when it came to (dating) women I would be obsessed about what they might think of me etc. You keep saying how small we are compared to time and the universe, and I keep saying you could totally be alive for the next billion years.
This is obviously a topic of debate but it’s probably safe to assume that you, when given the change, will always prefer some things over others. Well, along with teaching people to be themselves we need to teach people to accept other people being themselves. But your comment is definitely something that was missing from the original post so thank you also for adding that! When coaching someone into forgiveness, I usually get asked “Why should I forgive them? Once he’s gotten the anger out, Dale is ready to shift his perspective on what happened. As he begins to see how his experience with Chip has served him, he finds the feeling of forgiveness, both for himself and for Chip. When we’re stuck in revenge mode, a part of us thinks that if we hate enough, if we hurt enough, if we focus on the unfairness enough, that eventually it will hurt the other person and teach them a lesson.
When you blame someone other than yourself, you shift your focus to a more a more empowered vibration. For me the bottom line is that when you don’t forgive and move on, what you have effectively done is to let a person, situation or event have power over you. I just realized, as soon as I posted that comment, that I have not had the chance to vent over the whole thing.
And I saw a movie once, based on a true story, of a woman whose husband had been killed by a young man who was under the influence of alcohol and drugs at the time. When we ask someone else for forgiveness, we are usually asking them to make it easier for us to feel better. When someone feels that they need to be punished, they have not yet worked completely through what has happened. You are right, forgiving yourself is a whole different ball game, at least it probably requires different steps, but forgiveness is still forgiveness, so what is it? It also dawned on me that we (used to) ask God to forgive our sins, but I already got to the conclusion a long time ago that God does not have to forgive anything because at that level of consciousness there is nothing to forgive. You say: When we ask someone else for forgiveness, we are usually asking them to make it easier for us to feel better.
Then there is another thing you said:There’s also a difference between accepting consequences, as in “I accept that this is where I am right now, that I can’t change this situation right this second”, so that you stop pushing against the NOW, and accepting consequences because you feel that you need to be punished. Having said all that I suddenly realized, when reading through your 3 steps again, that I always focussed on my feelings towards the person who had hurt me in some way and did everything to address those.
So many people mistakenly believe that forgiveness is saying that the person didn’t do anything wrong. Another perspective that I have been exploring recently that helps with forgiveness is to recognize that we are all connected at a very fundamental level. Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Should you Fix Your Life With LOA or Prescription Drugs?
One of the finest men I’ve ever known was Judge John Hewlett, an Alabama civil rights activist. The thing that resonates with me the most is wanting the other person to see my perspective.
We all tell stories…and we hold on to our stories, because we identify ourselves with them. Ultimately, in a situation like yours, it’s not about changing your view about your mother, but changing your view about yourself. I love to read your comments and usually reply through e-mail, so check your settings to make sure you have that option available.
It was simple—keep the mammoth well fed with social approval and pay close attention to its overwhelming fears of nonacceptance, and you’ll be fine.
The mammoth also needs to be fed regularly and robustly—with praise, approval, and the feeling of being on the right side of any social or moral dichotomy. Mammoths look around at society to figure out what they’re supposed to do, and when it becomes clear, they jump right in. A Puppet Master is a person or group of people whose opinion matters so much to you that they’re essentially running your life. When we get to this toxic state in our relationship with a Puppet Master, that person’s presence hangs over our entire decision-making process and pulls the strings of our opinions and our moral voice. In contrast to the black-and-white simplicity of the Social Survival Mammoth, your Authentic Voice is complex, sometimes hazy, constantly evolving, and unafraid. Life was simple, and conformity was the goal—and the mammoth had conformity covered just fine. A bad break-up is painful for everyone, but it stings in a much deeper place for a mammoth-run person than for a person with a strong AV. Those tend to be severely mammoth-run people, and criticism makes them so mad because mammoths cannot handle criticism.
Others die without ever reining their mammoth in at all, spending their whole lives at its whim. It takes some serious reflection to sift through the webs of other people’s thoughts and opinions and figure out who the real you actually is. Maybe you can reflect on this from whatever chair you’re sitting in right now or from some other part of your normal life—or maybe you need to go somewhere far away, by yourself, and step out of your life in order to effectively examine it. What parts of your life do you think about and a dreadful, sinking feeling washes over you? The thing we all need to do is carve out certain sacred areas of our lives that must be in the hands of the AV and free of mammoth influence. Despite the fact that they haunt us so, our mammoths are dumb, primitive creatures who have no understanding of the modern world.
It’s a classic mammoth mistake to fabricate a vision of future social consequences that is way worse than what actually ends up happening—which is usually nothing at all. If you find yourself making decisions partially based on not being talked badly about by a judgy person, think hard about what’s actually going on and stop.

His methods of winning approval may have been effective in simpler times, but today, they’re transparent and off-putting. The only time a mammoth-crazed person is appealing on a first date is when they’re on the date with another mammoth-crazed person. You can start to relish the feeling of being viewed as weird or inappropriate or confusing to people, and society becomes your playground and blank canvas, not something to grovel before and hope for acceptance from. Your Authentic Voice has been given one life—and it’s your job to make sure it gets the opportunity to live it.
Last year I decided I would at least try to stop giving a damn about what anyone thinks of me – and it has been trully liberating.
What if we all have endless ‘voices’ in our head, constantly shaping our identity through dialogues?
Iv’e seen this idea from Tim articulated by someone else, a very old and dead psychologist called Kazimier Dabrowski. I first heard of him aproximately a year ago and there was definetly a lot of recognition going on just like now with this superbly written article. This 100%… Sometimes people get so lost in OTHER people accepting them as they are, that we forget to also extend the same thoughtful courtesy to others. To forgive simply means to choose to feel better, even if the other person is still alive and kicking and hasn’t been tarred and feathered for their offenses.
This is the fourth post of forgiveness that I am reading this month and maybe it is a sign.
This woman decided immediately (!) that she did not want to go down the road of hatred and feelings of revenge and that she would forgive the young man. So forgiveness definitely is something that relates to the world of duality and meant to be able to handle that world better.
If you can shift emotionally, if you can just let the feelings happen and flow without fighting them or controlling them, they will naturally shift to a better feeling place. I may now choose to love you from afar (because whether or not I’m in the vibration of love really has nothing to do with you or your actions). The one forgiving releases all that acid they have been holding and the offender doesn’t feel the guilt anymore.
The hours I spent talking with him showed me a possibility that I’m still working to incorporate fully into my life – making forgiveness obsolete! Once we let go of the need for other people to do something so that we can feel better, we truly take our power back. They are not very helpful, but we hold on to them like a child who refuses to let go of his favorite toy. When people do hurtful things it is because they are coming from a place of fear, ignorance, and pain. But if we haven’t actually shifted the energy, the feelings come back again, as you realized.
So for your Great2,000 Grandfather, almost nothing in the world was more important than being accepted by his fellow tribe members, especially those in positions of authority. A Puppet Master is often a parent, or maybe your significant other, or sometimes an alpha member of your group of friends. Your AV has its own, nuanced moral code, formed by experience, reflection, and its own personal take on compassion and integrity. When it comes to the most personal questions, instead of digging deep into the foggy center of what you really believe in to find clarity, you’ll look to others for the answers. A strong AV makes a stable core, and after a break-up, that core is still holding firm—but since the acceptance of others is all a mammoth-run person has, being dumped by a person who knows you well is a far more shattering experience.
Most of us are somewhere in the middle—we’ve got control of our mammoth in certain areas of our lives while it wreaks havoc in others. Either way, you’ve got to figure out what actually matters to you and start being proud of whoever your Authentic Voice is. Are you terrified of disappointing your parents and do you choose making them proud over aiming to gratify yourself?
There are obvious areas that need to be made part of the AV’s domain like your choice of life partner, your career path, and the way you raise your kids. This is one of those simple things—if they truly selflessly love you, they will for sure come around and accept everything once they see that you’re happy. The modern world is an AV’s world, and if the mammoth wants to thrive socially, he should do the thing that scares him most—let the AV take over. Leadership is natural for most AVs, because they draw their thoughts and opinions from an original place, which gives them an original angle. The last thing a mammoth is going to do is change the status quo because it’s trying so hard to be the status quo.
People with a strong AV see through mammoth-controlled people and aren’t attracted to them. But actually doing something after you finish reading this article is a whole different thing. He basicaly held the position that to tame your mammoth and actually listen to your AV you would need some sort of disintegrating experience (usually some event followed by a depression) to actually start down that scary path. They are total bastards and if you had your way, they’d be tarred and feathered and stomped to death by a herd of runaway Elephants.
It means to shift your perspective on a situation that you’re using as an excuse to feel awful, so that you can feel relief. The robbed you of the chance to have your say, and so you felt like you couldn’t move on. Somehow I have always grasped the fact that you are only torturing yourself when you insist on staying revengeful.
But I have also heard of instances of people who had committed a serious crime involving people, who asked forgiveness from their victims (or relatives in case of murder) and still were fully prepared to face the consequences of their deed. For me asking for or giving forgiveness has always been a positive thing, a thing to improve the situation and make it possible to live with one another again. In my comment I meant someone who was prepared to accept the consequences of his or her deeds in a positive way. But I did not address the initial feelings of anger about what had happened but simply pushed them away. I may choose to remove you from my physical reality, at least until I can fully align myself with a different version of you.
Yes, whatever happened happened, but I’m not going to let it be a hot button for me any more.
And what is judgment, but choosing to look at a person or situation in a way that feels bad? People sometimes hold on to old grudges to such a degree that it becomes part of who they are (little they).
Forgiving those who hurt me and letting go of the past has brought so much healing in to my life. However I’m here today as a proof forgiveness is possible regardless of how bad someone has hurt you. I tried to break down the process of forgiveness into simple steps, but really, the path can be full of twists and turns.
Fitting in with those around him and pleasing those above him meant he could stay in the tribe, and about the worst nightmare he could imagine would be people in the tribe starting to whisper about how annoying or unproductive or weird he was—because if enough people disapproved of him, his ranking within the tribe would drop, and if it got really bad, he’d be kicked out altogether and left for dead.
But something funny has happened for humans in the last 10,000 years—their civilization has dramatically changed. It knows how you feel deep down about things like money and family and marriage, and it knows which kinds of people, topics of interest, and types of activities you truly enjoy, and which you don’t.
Do you get too excited about being associated with prestigious things or care too much about status? So obsessing over fitting in with any one group is illogical, especially if that group isn’t really who you are.
And if they’re smart and innovative enough, they can change things in the world and invent things that disrupt the status quo.
When you give someone a paintbrush and canvas, but the paint is the same exact color as the canvas, they can paint all they want, but they won’t change anything. A friend of mine was dating a great on-paper guy awhile back but broke things off because she couldn’t quite fall for him. I don’t preach to be a selfish dick, but it is important to know that if you expect others to make you happy, it will never happen, not for the long term anyway!
It’s not about exonerating them, making them feel better, being the better man (or woman), saving face, demonstrating compassion, or anything else that has to do with how others see you. You want them to see the situation from your perspective, thinking that when they do, you’ll finally feel better. Remember that this is not an intellectual exercise – you have to actually be able to feel what it is that you want.
And, more importantly, you want to get to the point where you can feel good despite the fact that he’s still breathing the same air as the rest of humanity. Visualize yourself being ok, being happy, going on with your life, going out with friends, being carefree. Figure that out and you’ll be able to move towards that and eliminate the middle man (the person you think you need closure from).
Often the most difficult thing is to forgive yourself, when you have done something seriously wrong.
The result being that he turned from an angry young man into one who regretted very much what he had done and wanted to make up for it as much as he could.
Of course I know that you can also use it in a negative way but I just never think about that. I meant someone whose plea for forgiveness had nothing whatever to do with those consequences but who only wanted the other person to be able to feel better by knowing how much he or she regretted what he had done.
I absolutely do not feel the need to find out why I feel the emotions that suddenly come up and just sit back and allow them and let them pass. There’s the concept of forgiving ourselves which comes with a whole different set of beliefs, and then the idea of asking others for forgiveness. And when you stop judging other’s actions, you can stop judging your own – whoopee!
It sounds like your friend John Hewlett refused to hate others, refused to look at them in a way that didn’t agree with Who He Really Was, even if everyone else did so.
He also knew that if he ever embarrassed himself by pursuing a girl in the tribe and being rejected, she’d tell the other girls about it—not only would he have blown his chance with that girl, but he might never have a mate at all now because every girl that would ever be in his life knew about his lame, failed attempt.
Sudden, quick change is something civilization has the ability to do, and the reason that can be awkward is that our evolutionary biology can’t move nearly as fast.

Your AV knows that it doesn’t know how your life will or should play out, but it tends to have a strong hunch about the right step to take next. You might not even be aware that you have a mammoth at all or of the extent to which your Authentic Voice has been silenced. Is there anything you regularly spend money on that you don’t feel that comfortable with? If you were giving advice to yourself, which parts of your life would clearly need a change that you’re avoiding acting on right now?
You’ll do all that work, and meanwhile, your actual favorite people are off being friends with each other somewhere else. They’re allowing their mammoth to override their love for you, and they should be adamantly ignored. If you give someone a paintbrush and an empty canvas, they might not paint something good—but they’ll change the canvas in one way or another. He’s wavering between feeling like an idiot for ever trusting Chip (self-blame) and wanting to find him so he can rip his face off (revenge). He realizes that the Chip incident is just one of a whole pattern of experiences that all feel the same. But it’s made a HUGE difference to Dale, who not only feels tons better, but has drastically improved his vibration and all of his present and future relationships. But often, getting the offending party to see things from your point of view, simply isn’t an option. When you make peace with where you are, you are not judging the feeling or situation as good or bad.
So, once you’ve released anger, figure out how you want to feel about yourself, about this situation, and about the person that hurt you. It does not only concern the person or the fact in case any more but it influences your whole outlook on life. She kept in touch with him and after he was released from prison they started a program together to talk to young people in schools etc. I can only say that for me asking someone for forgiveness is meant just as much to help the other one to feel better, to be able to let go of feelings or resent etc. But honestly, if we just got out of our own way, we would naturally shift to a higher vibration. Ask anyone who’s ever taken revenge if they truly feel better (after the first five minutes). In fact, when the man was released many years later, Hewlett (now a judge) performed his marriage ceremony. In that case, letting go of that story then become a huge and scary thing, because they are also letting go of part of who they are – part of their ego, if you will. Or she responds back quickly and then, after a few more short texts, she never texts you again. So while for most of history, both our social structure and our biology evolved and adjusted at a snail’s pace together, civilization has recently developed the speed capabilities of a hare while our biology has continued snailing along. Chip is sitting somewhere in Bermuda, so nothing Dale does or doesn’t do will affect him. Chip’s behavior has highlighted a belief that Dale has been carrying around with him for years. And no matter how badly you feel, or how long you hold on to that horrible feeling, you can’t force it to be an option. But once you reach that point, you can follow these steps to drag yourself out of your pity-pit and back into Happy Shiny Puppy Land.
Keep working on your visualization until you can truly get into the feeling of being confident, whole, secure, safe, and easily able to focus on the positives. Of course I have known that for some time also but I never really linked the two until now. Just this morning I saw them like a flock of birds flying out of a cave into the fresh air and into the sunlight.
This is a man who as a civil rights activist drove a car belonging to Stokely Carmichael through Alabama, because it was too dangerous for Carmichael to drive it himself. While this isn’t a good feeling emotion, it feels a lot more powerful than shame and self-blame and therefore, feels better. And as Dale has this realization, he works his way up the Vibrational Ladder, continues to find new perspectives, releases the belief of betrayal and ends up completely shifting his vibration around all relationships.
Notice, that if you know these steps, you can also help guide someone else through this process (for you helper types out there). But you have to accept that before you can move on and you do that by validating your feelings.
Then, use that visualization at least once a day, and every time you are reminded of the offense.
This young man had the courage to stand there as a murderer and speak totally honest about what he had done in spite of the reactions he got sometimes. I guess I would feel better anyway if my asking for forgiveness had been honest and if I had done whatever I could to make up for what I had done wrong. I am addressing those feelings now since I have started to allow them to come up, but now I have no idea any more where they came from because I somehow separated cause and perpetrator all those years ago! When we refuse to feel better by holding on to a certain point of view, we are getting in the way. Or do they now feel even uglier because the original pain is still there and now they also have the icky feeling left by hurting someone themselves? I am blessed with a beautiful daughter whom I love and I have a loving and nurturing relationship with her.
For the first time in his life, he’s attracting women who are kind and compassionate. And as you do, purposefully shift that anger away from yourself and towards someone or something else. This film impressed me very much and showed a case of real forgiveness, but can we setting ourselves free compare to that? For him, forgiveness didn’t exist as a concept, because he simply never blamed anyone. Instead of pitying himself, he’s pacing around his apartment, ranting and punching couch cushions. It may feel good for a few minutes, but once that settles, we realize that our original vibration hasn’t shifted at all.
Do you secretly have an opinion on a political or moral issue you don’t ever voice because people you know will be outraged?
Of course, it’s also possible that she lost her phone while rescuing a child from a burning home or something like that, but let’s focus on making a good first impression. To avoid her not responding to you, remember to:Make a good impression when getting her numberShe probably won’t have enough time to get to know you well enough just from your conversation, so the impression you make with your presence is very important. In this post, I’d like to make the case for why you should do that and give you the steps that can help you get there. If she doesn’t show any initial interest, you know that trying to contact her later will be a waste of time.State your intentions directly.
DeleteReplymarlarattnerAugust 13, 2012 at 1:12 PMI really like the spin you do on the artifact bag.
I’ve got to go, but this Saturday I’ll text you and we can go to the movies or this great new Indian restaurant.
This way when you ask her for her number, you are clearly showing your intentions to meet her again.Girls that are interested in you will be happy to give you their numbers. Notice if she is smiling and laughing or just chatting with you like she has nothing better to do.
There is a good chance that texting them will go well.Make sure you text her at the right timeA lot of girls have an “I don’t want to be considered easy” attitude.
It’s almost guaranteed that after meeting up for the first time the girl is waiting for you to text her. The girl’s role in this whole love game is giving you her number and waiting for you to contact her. It depends on the situation, but a good rule of thumb is to wait at least 24-hours to text her.
That’s exactly how it should go, but let her wait a bit and she will begin waiting for your text in anticipation.
Don’t give her the impression that you are texting her just because you have nothing better to do.What to include in a first messageThe first few messages are crucial for making a good impression.
For example, if she said she was going shopping the next day and that her cousin was visiting, use this information to show her that you were paying attention. Did you enjoy hanging out with your cousin today?”Ask her questions and avoid texts that don’t lead anywhere.
It’s always nice having a great conversation via text, but the point of texting or just communication in general is getting into her REAL LIFE.Make it clear that you want to hang out in your text messages. If you don’t have time to meet up with her today or tomorrow say:- How about going out to dinner sometime soon? Which day works best for you?Checkout this system if you need a step-by-step guidance on how to get her back, even if she didn’t reply to any of your texts!She may not respond immediately, but she should respond by the following day. If you really like her and she doesn’t call or text back within the next few days, call her or send a message.Persistence via text or phone can make wonders…Remember it’s important to remain cool, and text in a laid-back way.
Don’t fall into the same traps that most men do; being needy, full of complaints, or pissed off at a girl for not replying; you’ll be sure of not getting a reply!Of course it may seem impolite that she hasn’t responded, but remember to her you’re a stranger! You want to be seen as an attractive, popular guy, so wait a few days before texting her, and don’t write anything like “I just want to talk to you, blah blah blah”.
In this case make it a rule of thumb to respond in the following ways: She doesn’t reply after one day- give her another day to respond. She doesn’t reply after two texts or a of couple days- give her a few more days to respond. And so on, and so on…If she really never responds:There could be a few explanations for this. Take a risk next time and make it apparent that meeting in person is better than just merely texting.Checkout this system if you need a step-by-step guidance on how to get her back, even if she didn’t reply to any of your texts! And don’t mind she is spending her evenings making love to an unemployed artist with HIV.

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Comments to How to get someone back if you cheated on them

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