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What I often have no grasp of are the plots and details that are being choreographed in exceptional detail, bringing all of the characters together into the story arc that is just real enough for me to not snap awake, and just unreal enough for me to be at least somewhat intrinsically certain that what I am living is not real. More often than not, I find myself waking with a few things flushed away, cleared from memory.
Lately I’ve started wondering whether it was because my environment there was completely silent.
Especially Google Reader – I want to trim that a bunch (which is culminating in a web service I hope to release within 3 months).
It makes me think that it’s finally time for me to have a kind of routine of sorts, if only to flush the buffers. All in all, in some ways this makes me wonder whether the past 12 months were a useful experiment. In many ways I think it’s the greatest example of why I really love the culture at my current, but soon-to-be-former employer. Lunchtime conversations range from music production, pop psychology, new start ups, combating human trafficking, to the desirability of hot sauce with the day’s catered fare. There’s a subdued creative spirit in it all, of a kind of meta-thought layer that we collectively carry around the office. I am of the opinion that enlightenment of the mind is not a state of being but a state of quest.
There are people who would profess to be independent [in their relationships] but then take support from their parents.
There are people who would think themselves knowledgeable who have not touched the surface of knowledge.
There are people who would say that they are very Zen, but have never sat and contemplated a Koan.
Similarly perhaps much of society is also disruptive, preventing me from focusing on what I would like to. When I was about two weeks from finishing my first novel, and really hitting it hard, daily, an old friend phoned.
The negatives of our consciousness, mirror imprinted, black on white, emphatically stored one and zero and one again codified data for codified words. The abyss doesn’t look back into us, our inner abyss leaks… oozes… out from us and into the abyss we ourselves look into. When I lived in Seattle, a highlight every year was the Seattle International Film Festival. It’s the spirit behind the mistakes, the carelessness or the mindfulness or the frequency, that should be considered. The ability for someone to think about their reality, accept it, and dissect it is paramount if one is to let go of their fear, doubt, and self-hindrance. In all that we do, the way that we are – we reason with ourselves that we are a certain way, that we do a certain thing, that we decided something or something was ok.

But if you believed in yourself, and you thought you could make 2 million in the same time, you would quit.
An oft-remembered conversation during college I had with my closest friends was one where we reasonably assumed that we could pursue something, and that we would potentially payoff $50 million each, and we walked away. Nolan Gould tries to impress a girl (Katelyn Dunkin) during a lunch date in these new stills from Modern Family. And on Tuesday we intentionally draw from it, reflecting against the backdrop of some speaker of varying repute, depending on the day. More often than not, I try to pretend that everyone I know has that, not because it is Better, but because I Wants.
Perhaps then I should only surround myself with people who want to converse in meaningful ways or who I don’t mind the drivel. And perhaps having people who are near but not of a parallel disposition would simply be disruptive. The emergent self-organization that’s heralded as the salvation of our pop-culture infatuated society is not so forgiving. The lack of a rich inner life that might expose a new path to Greatness precluded by the vast mass of noise. Flixster doesn’t seem to fit the bill (not in the same way that I use Goodreads for books, anyway.
The most basic element of life, of understanding one’s existence is to think about the state of the world.
It would seem that we operate asynchronously (mostly) as far as communication is concerned.
In doing anything, there is the cost of the opportunities that you’re otherwise forsaking. I thought I’d share some of them with you, since most people only ever see few dimensions of me.
I thought about you during the day, I missed you before I slept, you wrote me an email, I sent you a note. I may have been the only one in my party who found it completely satisfying (and of course the curse of a year following gives the clarity needed to fully appreciate the implications). But like most things in life, I didn’t learn from it or get from it much of what I was hoping for. The team here has been excellently cultivated to retain and attract people who carry a complex interplay of ideas and opinions. Been meaning to make one for a long time, but finally getting around to it, in honor of my upcoming birthday. Vim macros to translate ACGTxACGT pairs to form a P3 PPM image, 700×700 px, compressed into final PNG via ImageMagick. That people finding my companionship either insufficiently intimate or productive would discard me.

Where pre-teen over-sexed hormone infested children let their thoughts, their images, their videos run free.
The notion of Public incorporated in the republic goes private retreating into board rooms.
No rose colored glasses tainting how you view yourself and take stock of just a few things. I wanted to write about it as I was explaining to a friend recently that they were only considering the opportunity cost of leaving, when really they needed to consider the opportunity cost of staying. I would often catch myself in that kind of a feedback loop and know that I did not want such a thing.
Work was interesting because it sometimes would feel like every single person in that environment was a more mature, better developed aspect of my personality and preferences. I was fortunate to find this group here without really having the foresight to look for it and realize it when deciding to come here. Questioning the role of government, the role of bureaucracy, or community or spiritual leaders.
There’s a loss of control in play, where the memetic evolution leads to these records spreading free. Anime or other foreign films with subtitles are especially problematic – they have to be especially good for me to partake, given they require my visual attention.
My exercise of restraint is actually one of the things I am most aware of, and pleased with. It is easy to implement a kind of routine that takes us away from ourselves, and thus from reality.
Once in the 8th century a Buddhist master expressed : when we are facing problems think of the problem and if you can overcome that problem then no need to worry. You can never recapture what you digitize, it belongs to the world, the noosphere by its very inception. It’s our new religion in a way, a new kind of religion for a new kind of world that is itself empty, and adored because of its emptiness. In some ways, real-world interactions that gain depth have no substitute, even when an interaction will be taken asynchronous again. Like we tweet, and we facebook and we youtube and xanga and livejournal and blog and we’re gonna email and comment and rate and tag and drown in a sea of filth that we create and annotate and meta-date. I have definitely had my moments of weakness where I wished that I didn’t seem to operate this way, having a kind of auto-pilot rainbow guardian watching over the optimization of my wants and ensuring adherence. And in other ways, real-world interactions that destroy depth have no substitute, especially when an interaction has clearly been dying for some time.

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