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Random House Childrena€™s Books supports the First Amendment and celebrates the right to read. With heartfelt thanks to:Anibelly Kelley, for taking Alvin and the whole gang to Vermont with her. All the fabulous kids in my life who are always giving me lots of story ideas for Alvin, whether or not they know it, including Sophie, Sam, Bell, Buddy, Shepherd, Kevin and Andrew.
The safest place for me to be is home, if you dona€™t count the fact that my home is in Concord, Massachusetts, which is hard to spell.
When I got to school this morninga€”surprise, surprisea€”we hopped right back on the bus after A&A (attendance and announcements).
This made Hobson, whoa€™s a little roly-poly, yelp that he was hungry too, and rip open his lunch baga€”just as the bus went around Monument Square, which isna€™t a square at all, ita€™s a circlea€”and something went flying.
And I yelled, a€?WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHERE WEa€™RE GOING?a€? I like field trips, but I dona€™t like surprises.
It was too late anyway, our bus was slowing to a stopa€”at the mouth of the Old Hill Burying Ground! And before I knew it, Miss P was marching us up a steep hill of dead people lying in the ground, looking up at the sky. I clutched my PDK (Personal Disaster Kit), which contains all the things that are useful in a disaster, such as escape routes, garlic, lucky charms, a scary mask (for keeping girls away) and a wishbone for when nothing else works. I hopped from stone to stone on the path, following Miss P and the rest of the class, until we were going down the hill in the back of the graveyard to where the path disappearedA a€¦A and some of the oldest and spookiest tombstones were poking out of the grass like black, crooked teeth.
When Miss P finally stopped, she was hardly out of breath, but the rest of us were panting like we had had too much recess.
So when they make a field trip, and ita€™s scary, and therea€™s a Part Two, the best thing to do is to not go.
Then I drifted up and out the school bus window, where I could ride above the bus, but not in the bus, where I would be stuck going to Part Two. How I ever made it up the front walk is a mystery too, but I think we had to use the buddy system and hold hands with someone so that no one would get lost between the bus and the bushes. But mysteriously, my feet started moving forward, like everyone elsea€™s, and we followed the dead author right through her gift shop and straight into her spooky kitchen. In fact, I dona€™t remember those rooms at all, except for a couple of creepy paintings that had eyes that followed you. They hurried behind Louisa May up the stairs, but Miss P had to shoo the boys to get us to go up. Before I knew it, everyone was sitting on the faded flowery carpet and had pulled out their notebooks and was scratching away at them with their pencils. Beneath the trees, there were not two Louisa Mays, but three Louisa Mays, and they were all standing around, laughing! Then through the door I heard swish, swish, swisha€”the sound of three-hundred-year-old skirts. Then a HUGE Louisa May, the size of Godzilla, cracked the door off its hinges like a graham cracker from a gingerbread house. The hairs on my head stuck out like one of GungGunga€™s Chinese calligraphy brushes struck by lightning. Through the bushes I could see that the gang was there, and everyone was galloping wildly about, hollering war cries that sounded like they were coming right out of King Philipa€™s War. Ita€™s hard to tell if Jules is a boy or a girl, but it didna€™t matter on account of the fantastic war paint on his or her face!
Sam popped the gum right into his mouth, chewed, then spat some of the juice into the woolly eye. Suddenly, the eye started rolling in Sama€™s hands, slowly at first, then faster and faster! Lucy raced up and put the eye on top of her paws and touched her nose to it in the downward-dog position. That night, after everyone had gone to bed and my brother Calvin was fast asleep, I was still wide awake thinking about what the mammoth eye had said. Invitations to duke it out at a birthday party that was more like a war than a party would not be pink.
If I had to go to a birthday party, Ia€™d much rather be going to a boysa€™ settlers and Indians party. The only good thing about shopping is that if I dona€™t cry too much, I get a treat for being a€?a patient little gentleman.a€? Usually, Ia€™ll pick an ice cream cone, or a new Matchbox car, or an action figure with movable parts.
And once I get my Deluxe Indian Chief outfit, complete with bow and arrow and the feather headdress that makes you look like a giant bird, Hobson will be sure to invite me to his party!

There was scary hospital stuff all over the place: a stethoscope, an otoscope, hammers for testing your reflexes, pliers for pulling out teeth, cotton balls, tongue depressors and ready-to-go shots on a tray, just like in a real hospital. We followed Calvin downstairs, past GungGung, who was supposed to be watching us after school but who had fallen asleep on the couch, straight to the refrigerator.
Calvin took out a bunch of lemons that were already cut up for tea and we squeezed the juice out of them. When we finished Anibellya€™s face, she closed her eyes and smiled peacefully, just like the lady on TV.
I wanted to say no way, but instead, my head dropped forward unexpectedly and then rolled like a wheel on a roller skate. Stick like a static-cling sock on her going through doors (to avoid going through a closed one). I avoided eye contact, which was easy to do because I could hardly keep my eyes open anyway. Calvin was at the computer, surfing the Internet as usual, but he should have been working on his science project. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the authora€™s imagination or are used fictitiously. Ita€™s where the American Revolutionary War began, with lots of explosions and bad language and dead bodies all over the place. She yelled, a€?ITa€™S NOT LUNCHTIME YET!a€? But her voice got swallowed by the noise and you had to read her lips. And I tried to look as alive as possible, and to step lively, but not step on any graves, just in case. In front of us was the most crooked tooth of all, a black slab that looked like it was about to fall over on its back. The only voices in a cemetery are dead onesA a€¦A but this one belonged to a man who was hurrying toward us, dressed in old-fashioned clothes, very old-fashioned clothes. Ia€™d been to Orchard House once before with my family, and the only thing I remember from that visit was that I had to be carried out like a corpse. A clone is a copycat, but no one can tell it apart from the real thing until the clones take over the world and ita€™s too late. I was zooming around my yard in my Firecracker Man outfit, saving the world and keeping an eye on Lucy and another eye on Anibelly, who was digging holes in the yard with one of my carved sticks.
Then I zoomed off, across our neighbora€™s yard, through the gate and down the street toward the noise coming from Julesa€™s house, which is on the way to everything. Nhia was wearing a tri-corn hat, and Scooter and Sam had on pilgrim hats from last yeara€™s Thanksgiving Day parade.
And when it was all laid out on the grass, anyone could tell that there was enough candy to see one hundred years into the future! It was after school and he was battling to the death with Anibelly in a video game when he should have been working on his fourth-grade science fair project. Fortunately, this is an animal hospital, and Buckya€™s pet chinchilla, Chilly, is the only patient.
Bucky had set it with so many napkins and plates and glasses and forks and cups and spoons that you couldna€™t see the table. Then I grabbed Anibellya€™s gold plastic samurai sword, because I couldna€™t find my own, and I started to practice. I didna€™t know I could juggle either, but it had taken me all night to come up with the list and I wasna€™t about to start erasing just because I couldna€™t do something. Instead, she switched off the overhead projector, switched on the lights and switched the subject. Henry and a friend had wanted to catch fish and cook it a€?Indian-like,a€? in the woods, but they ended up burning down the entire forest!
She takes Aggression for Girls after school, and was looking at mea€”aggressivelya€”through her one good eye. Therea€™s nothing more important than using the bathroom first when youa€™re about to really get it.
Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
I never thought Ia€™d live to see myself in another book, on account I coulda€™ve very well died camping in that last one. There arena€™t any dead bodies out there anymore, but there sure are a lot of creepy dead authors who still live inside their homes, giving tours, instead of lying around at the Sleepy Hollow Cemetery where they belong. Hea€™s one of Concorda€™s famous dead authors whoa€™s still living in his house giving tours.

My mom thinks wea€™re picnicking and my dada€™s pointing out the spot on the hillside where the Minutemen were hiding from the Redcoats, but little do they know that fighting is actually breaking out on the bridge between the Redcoats (my big brother, Calvin, and my little sister, Anibelly) and the Minutemen (me and my dog, Lucy). He had deep wrinkles and silver hair, just as you would expect a three-hundred-year-old dead body to have. If Ia€™d had to stand there one second more, I woulda€™ve broken out the survival gear in my PDK, and who knows what might have happened next! If therea€™s anything I hate about Concord, Massachusetts, which is hard to spell, ita€™s that the dead are everywhere!
We walked back through the same creepy rooms until we got to the gift shop, wherea€”gasp!a€”we bumped into another Louisa May!
And King Philipa€™s War, as everyone knows, is the war between settlers and natives that nearly wiped out all of Massachusetts a hundred years before the American Revolution wiped out everyone else. Eli was dressed as Abraham Lincoln, who had come to dinner once in Concord, Massachusetts, which is hard to spell.
And when you have that much sugar for breakfast, it makes you go fast-forward like a maniac for no reason at all and you cana€™t stop or rewind. Up in the sky were so many stars, it looked like someone had spilled them, like Anibelly spilling all her jacks.
On days when hea€™s done something bad, his entire criminal history will slip out like a greased bicycle chain, just like that. Whenever we go shopping, my dad and Calvin and I sit like three lobsters in a pot, waiting for the ladies to try on clothes.
I imagined that the deluxe feather headdress wrapping around my head and falling down my back would feel just as nice.
Hea€™s actually paying attention, like at the cinema when the previews are over and wea€™re just waiting for the real movie to start. Once hea€™s in shutoff mode, therea€™s no telling whether hea€™s talking to you or talking in his dreams. If therea€™s anything Ia€™ve learned from my dad ita€™s this: Duck tape is the most useful thing in the house. Bucky had told mea€”it was French for a€?Resume Standing Very Promptly.a€? You have to do it if you want to go to the party. The good news is that I had the secret powers of my Batman ring and my rolls of toilet paper with me. Normally, this isna€™t a big problem, like setting fire to the woods, ita€™s just an average problem, like having the match.
She wears a patch over a genuine pirate eye, and one of her legs is longer than the other, like a real peg leg. But then we followed him right up the street and stood on the sidewalk in front of a creepy old house.
And when Ia€™m all freaked out, like whenever Ia€™m in school, I cana€™t talk, I cana€™t grunt, I cana€™t even squeak. So when the gang isna€™t playing the American Revolution, theya€™re playing King Philipa€™s War. And Abe Lincoln, as everyone knows, can play settlers and Indians without dressing like one if he wants. Shea€™s eight-going-on-eighty-eight, which means she was born with a teacup in her hand and a purse on her elbow.
I didna€™t really want to go to a creepy girlsa€™ party, especially after seeing that photo! Pinky, who is very bossy, was wearing a big feather on his head and a blanket around his shoulders.
She goes to an all-girls school, which is where no boys are allowed on account of they might ruin things. On a middle shelf, where it was easy to reach, there were quite a few jars of Miracle in a Jar, next to the extra toilet paper and the extra shampoo and soap. We dona€™t know what wea€™re going to wear until we get up in the morning and our clothes practically jump on us and we look just fine! She just started the third grade but shea€™s already graduated from a special class where she learned all her manners.

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