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Lemme just slap on another four coats of this mascara and then I gotta go f*** up your coach in the lobby. Pageant Director Tanisha Dorsey broke it all down for us before the party even got started. This Tanisha was nice enough, but nowhere near as crazy as I like my Pageant Directors and she certainly didn’t go out of her way to dress up for the occasion, which was kind of a bummer.
Our first little princess was 6 year old Mackenzie and her Mom Stephanie, because you can never have too many Mackenzies in the pageant world.
The new 2013 model Mackenzie was redoinkulously cute, especially when Mom gave her those two Princess Leia hair poofs that made her look like a she was the star of her own Cartoon Network show. Mackadoodle performed an original number about her crayons which already has me waiting for the ReMix version to hit iTunes, and then went on to explain how everyone else is jealous of her pretty eyes and pretty face and pretty hair and pretty whatever. If there was ever a time for the Other Tanisha to  show up and clock somebody in the back of the head with a frying pan, it would have been right about now.
This little Butterball of a Beyonce-in-training was still young enough to be able to get away with a few pounds of baby fat, since she was still chronologically pretty much a baby.
Mom was quick to point out that Selena was not your actual, average weight for a pageant girl…but history is full of thick girls Who Run The World. This one just happens to run that world while under some form of solar house arrest, which requires that Selena remain inside her home at all times in order to maintain her trademark golden skin tone.
During the practice session Faithlyn had Dead Bird Arms, Nikki swore some more and the judge that looked like Lassie would probably have rather thrown himself down the well alongside Timmy than sit next to that piece of Crazy Coach on the couch. There is almost always a random assortment of spare children who are never explained, introduced or even acknowledged in these scenes. This time it was a little Snookie-looking girl in some kind of jungle print Baby Gap number and a blonde kid in Toy Story cowboy boots, dodging falling knick knacks as Mackenzie side swiped everything in the path of her eratic umbrella swings. And then suddenly, we were somehow transported to the school that Oprah Winfrey opened up for all those girls a few years ago. Mackenzie was in a classroom, all decked out in some whacky Disney Channel concert outfit, doing some kind of Show & Tell with a Hasbro microphone. Surrounded by Ashanti and Naima and a bus load of little Oprahs, Mackenzie tried to get them to all channel their Inner Diva while school marm Miss Tanya Zachary used incorrect grammar to praise the process. Back in the (?) Real World, Faithlyn was getting her (bleepin’) hair trimmed by the heavily tattooed Joshua Ketron, while Nikki did what Nikki does best. With Faithlyn trapped in the chair, Nikki used her captive audience as an opportunity to swear some more and bash overweight Pageant Moms, wondering out loud what they eat to be that big.
And Nikki Time, of course, as she went for the (bleepin’) throat of some poor bullied makeup lady who was only trying to do her job on Faithlyn. As Nikki creepily stroked her little lap dog like some Flying Monkey had just scooped him up in Oz and dropped him in her lap, she bossed the makeup lady up one side and down the other about face paint and mascara.

Some woman dressed up like Wynonna Judd was the emcee, and she wanted to get this party started. Selena’s Dad Sergio finally made an appearance, and I swear he looked exactly like some gardener on an ABC show. Dad was all about the pageants, and even did the judging table dance that is usually reserved for crazy Moms. I really do admire any Dad who can support their kid in Pageant Land and still maintain a grip on their ManCard, though I could have done without a few of the backwards over the shoulder pouty faces, Sergio. Selena did a 3 year old’s version of Single Ladies, but totally forgot to yank her skirt off in the middle of the song. Mackenzie twirled her umbrella ella ella all over the stage without losing an eye, so that was a win. Faithlyn won Most Beautiful, which really urked Nikki because some of the ugliest kids in America win that pointless award.
Then I walked away from the television to brush my teeth, floss, wash my face and iron my clothes for the next day. And surprisingly enough to many, I may not actually be the authority on all things Toddlers & Tiaras, though I do claim this title on my current resume, business cards and upcoming Walmart tee shirt line. They were all outrageously friendly, didn’t have one flip out and loved their kids unconditionally.
So what the Northeast lacked in crazy, they more than made up for in fierceness and cuteness. L-M has more self confidence than most of the goofs I went to high school with and more stage presence than most of the glitter babies at the pageant. As proof that I watch waaaaay more Reality TV than I should, as soon as L-M was introduced I chuckled at how many hits the other famous Lacey-Mae was going to accidentally get on her Facebook tonight. For those of you who still read books or didn’t pay your cable bill, the other Lacey-Mae Schwimmer is that crazy hair whipping bitch from So You Think You Can Dance and Dancing With The Stars. How bummed is the wrong L-M gonna be when she gets home from the DWTS Vegas Show tonight and gets all excited that 5,000 more people checked out her status page?
Then we were on to even bigger and badder things…and I pretty much died and went to Heaven for a few minutes. I went to that part of Heaven you go to when you witness so much fun fierce african-american nubian fierceness that your head can’t contain all the fierceness and you die a little. One:  Where is this Name Generator Machine located that everyone uses to come up with these names?
Turned out that Mom had choreographed D’s African routine, while Auntie dreamed up the Michael Jackson number.
While Damitri’ana was in the living room dropping it, Mackenzie was in the kitchen spitting it out.

Mom and Auntie painted up Damitri’ana while promising her that she would be the baddest Real Housewife of Atlanta ever. The only other casualty of the pre-show chaos was Lacey-Mae’s right eye getting glued shut during the false eyelash application. Lacey-Mae did this stop and look back over her shoulder head move like she was that chick from GLEE on the red carpet. Quiana and Marquita were spliced in every few minutes so they could head shake and give their two snaps worth of fierceness.
Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Are All Back For One Last Chance To Say Hello And Goodbye.
Florida Congresswoman and Democratic National Committee Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz appeared on MSNBC Wednesday. Mackenzie loves to sing about everything, from how much she loves her crayons to people being jealous of her.
Your information may be shared with other NBCUniversal businesses and used to better tailor our services and advertising to you. December 19, 2012 Annemarie LeBlanc Leave a Comment Toddlers and Tiaras returns tonight with a new episode called “Carolina Queens Pageant” and on tonight’s show glitz newbies Selena, 3, and Mackenzie, 6, face fierce Faithlyn, 9, at the Carolina Queens Pageant in Columbia, South Carolina.
August 31, 2012 Robyn Good 1 Comment Another Toddlers & Tiaras show, another controversy!
In the latest episode of TLC’s hit series a mother encourages her four-year-old daughter to pose with a fake cigarette on stage.
Perhaps the sting of sibling rivalry can be softened with a big-ass pageant trailer with their names and faces emblazoned on the side. Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. And when I saw Shangela, I just knew he’d teach Hailey how to do that death drop move like on Dance Moms lol! Online - Your source for entertainment news, celebrities, celeb news, and celebrity gossip. As if exploiting children wasn't enough, now they're being dressed like prostitutes, overly sexualized, taught that beauty is everything, and now a judge has basically ruled it's all good parenting! She also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats who enjoy blanketing every inch of the house in kitty fur.

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