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But my head is still spinning from Miss Honey Boo-Boo Child Alana, who showed up this week and pretty much scored more news coverage than the Republican Primary. The hot dogs and generic toilet paper may be discounted, but we got some full price attitude tonight, didn’t we honey boo-boo child?
It was time for the Precious Moments Pageant, which was an oddly themed Harvest Extravaganza decorated in pumpkins and hay bales, which allowed outfits ranging from bathing suits to your Christmas Holiday best. This little nugget was wound tighter than the elastic around her Mom’s plastic accordion coupon organizer.
They even had the required miles and miles of plastic DIY shelving from that back aisle in Target, all loaded down with 197 jugs of All Purpose Cheer laundry detergent and enough deodorant to supply the troops in Iraq. They were also stocked with enough Reynolds Wrap to build a tin foil satellite dish that you could see from Space while at the same time supplying all of America with free cable and internet.
Alana danced, shimmied and two snapped her way through every scene, when she wasn’t throwing 4 packs of toilet paper all over the living room. While Alana was building a paper towel fort, 8 year old Laci was workin’ on her own sass. Mom Alicia hinted that we would all go Gaga for her daughter, so you pretty much knew where this one was going. At first I thought she was terrified at the sight of those nasty ceramic horse head table lamps in the background, but it turns out she really wanted some cocoa. Add about 10 years onto her birth certificate and melt the chocolate, and you’ve got yourself some soft porn that those guys on Dateline would pay to download. Honey boo-boo…eat your food at the table before you start a lifetime of bad habits and regrets. Apparently born with a wad of Bazooka Joe Bubble gum already wedged in her mouth, Heaven squished and snapped her way through the episode like a Jersey hairdresser.

Mom also lets the little wiener dog lay on the counter, so I probably won’t be having dinner over there anytime soon. When Laci isn’t working on her Money Face and dreaming of being Miss Grand Supreme Sumthin Sumthin, she is dreaming of killing deer. As Laci tries to avoid the PETA van parked outside her house, Alana is rehearsing her pouty faces on the local high school stage. Little Alana clamps onto that not so little bowl full of jelly and works it like it’s a piece of Tim Burton claymation, squeezing and smooching it into every shape that you can possibly mold 6 year old baby fat into without actually having a Playdough Factory press in the room.
But before the actual categories get rolling, we get a quick lesson on how to rev up your pageant engines. Unlike the car sitting in your garage, these engines run waaaay better with some sugar poured directly into the tank.
Poor little peanut was either caving under the sheer volume of her weave, or she didn’t want to look up and see what Heaven had on her head. The Beauty category was just as boring as Alana said it would be, but I think that was mainly because she couldn’t wait to get into her whacky Elly May Clampett costume for Outfit of Choice, which turned out to be a Daisy Duke costume gone bad.
Heaven’s routine was a twirly little Pinocchio number which went really well until Dad lost his focus and forgot to go and pick her up off the stage.
Laci was backstage getting raw meat safety pinned to her bathing suit and having a major nutty as the tenderloin was touching her skin.
I also guess that killing it and gutting it off the garage door is a lot easier than hanging it off your Gymboree speedo. Luckily they are a family that always travels with more than one Gaga outfit in the trunk, as well as a big glitter egg in case they need to stuff their daughter into something, so someone ran out to the truck and came back with the back up Gaga and the day was saved.
None of our triple threats got the big Pumpkin Crown…that went to another little niblet.

Alana got all Oh No She Din’t again, did some belly squishing and then called it a night.
Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Are All Back For One Last Chance To Say Hello And Goodbye. Maddy’s parents are locked in a custody battle fighting for her, and her father, Bill Verst, is using his outrage at the Dolly Parton outfit to accuse his ex-wife of being an unfit parent. For now, Jackson and Verst will share custody of the little girl, but her father has been granted residential custody. When you have confirmed your password, you will be able to log in through Facebook on both sites.
Neither the service provider nor the domain owner maintain any relationship with the advertisers. According to Nashville Gab, a Kentucky court-appointed psychologist is even taking the husband’s side. In case of trademark issues please contact the domain owner directly (contact information can be found in whois).
We have a feeling that even Parton herself  would agree that her stage outfits are something reserved for adults — and only ones who can pull it off, at that.

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