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When coaching someone into forgiveness, I usually get asked “Why should I forgive them?
Once he’s gotten the anger out, Dale is ready to shift his perspective on what happened. As he begins to see how his experience with Chip has served him, he finds the feeling of forgiveness, both for himself and for Chip.
When we’re stuck in revenge mode, a part of us thinks that if we hate enough, if we hurt enough, if we focus on the unfairness enough, that eventually it will hurt the other person and teach them a lesson. When you blame someone other than yourself, you shift your focus to a more a more empowered vibration. For me the bottom line is that when you don’t forgive and move on, what you have effectively done is to let a person, situation or event have power over you. I just realized, as soon as I posted that comment, that I have not had the chance to vent over the whole thing. And I saw a movie once, based on a true story, of a woman whose husband had been killed by a young man who was under the influence of alcohol and drugs at the time. When we ask someone else for forgiveness, we are usually asking them to make it easier for us to feel better.
When someone feels that they need to be punished, they have not yet worked completely through what has happened.
You are right, forgiving yourself is a whole different ball game, at least it probably requires different steps, but forgiveness is still forgiveness, so what is it? It also dawned on me that we (used to) ask God to forgive our sins, but I already got to the conclusion a long time ago that God does not have to forgive anything because at that level of consciousness there is nothing to forgive. You say: When we ask someone else for forgiveness, we are usually asking them to make it easier for us to feel better.
Then there is another thing you said:There’s also a difference between accepting consequences, as in “I accept that this is where I am right now, that I can’t change this situation right this second”, so that you stop pushing against the NOW, and accepting consequences because you feel that you need to be punished. Having said all that I suddenly realized, when reading through your 3 steps again, that I always focussed on my feelings towards the person who had hurt me in some way and did everything to address those. So many people mistakenly believe that forgiveness is saying that the person didn’t do anything wrong. Another perspective that I have been exploring recently that helps with forgiveness is to recognize that we are all connected at a very fundamental level. Melody Fletcher invites you to read..Should you Fix Your Life With LOA or Prescription Drugs? One of the finest men I’ve ever known was Judge John Hewlett, an Alabama civil rights activist.
The thing that resonates with me the most is wanting the other person to see my perspective. We all tell stories…and we hold on to our stories, because we identify ourselves with them. Ultimately, in a situation like yours, it’s not about changing your view about your mother, but changing your view about yourself. About a month ago, an old flame (he doesn’t get to be called an ex) came into my life through Google +. But there were a few HUGE flashing signs, like the fact that he was questioning why I would want to start hanging out again after he was such an ass (clear sign I’m going down the wrong path).
The worst part of all of this is that I’ve been passing up a really nice guy just so I can still talk to a jerk who hurt me. Over the past four years I've been collecting a few million how not to date stories, mostly from the hundreds of blind first dates I've gone on.
He's a book lover, writer, Batman Fan, and a speaker into microphones and rooms full of people.
You have to want the change, you have to visualize it, and you have to seek help to get it! To forgive simply means to choose to feel better, even if the other person is still alive and kicking and hasn’t been tarred and feathered for their offenses. This is the fourth post of forgiveness that I am reading this month and maybe it is a sign.
This woman decided immediately (!) that she did not want to go down the road of hatred and feelings of revenge and that she would forgive the young man. So forgiveness definitely is something that relates to the world of duality and meant to be able to handle that world better.
If you can shift emotionally, if you can just let the feelings happen and flow without fighting them or controlling them, they will naturally shift to a better feeling place.
I may now choose to love you from afar (because whether or not I’m in the vibration of love really has nothing to do with you or your actions).


The one forgiving releases all that acid they have been holding and the offender doesn’t feel the guilt anymore. The hours I spent talking with him showed me a possibility that I’m still working to incorporate fully into my life – making forgiveness obsolete!
Once we let go of the need for other people to do something so that we can feel better, we truly take our power back. They are not very helpful, but we hold on to them like a child who refuses to let go of his favorite toy.
When people do hurtful things it is because they are coming from a place of fear, ignorance, and pain. But if we haven’t actually shifted the energy, the feelings come back again, as you realized.
Sometimes you need to have that night where you watch those horribly stupid romantic comedies while eating ice cream and frozen reeses and crying into your best friend’s shoulder.
My friends have even dubbed me the MVP of dating, and after you strike out as many times as I have you learn a thing or two (i.e. They are total bastards and if you had your way, they’d be tarred and feathered and stomped to death by a herd of runaway Elephants. It means to shift your perspective on a situation that you’re using as an excuse to feel awful, so that you can feel relief.
The robbed you of the chance to have your say, and so you felt like you couldn’t move on.
Somehow I have always grasped the fact that you are only torturing yourself when you insist on staying revengeful. But I have also heard of instances of people who had committed a serious crime involving people, who asked forgiveness from their victims (or relatives in case of murder) and still were fully prepared to face the consequences of their deed.
For me asking for or giving forgiveness has always been a positive thing, a thing to improve the situation and make it possible to live with one another again.
In my comment I meant someone who was prepared to accept the consequences of his or her deeds in a positive way. But I did not address the initial feelings of anger about what had happened but simply pushed them away. I may choose to remove you from my physical reality, at least until I can fully align myself with a different version of you.
Yes, whatever happened happened, but I’m not going to let it be a hot button for me any more.
And what is judgment, but choosing to look at a person or situation in a way that feels bad? People sometimes hold on to old grudges to such a degree that it becomes part of who they are (little they). Forgiving those who hurt me and letting go of the past has brought so much healing in to my life.
However I’m here today as a proof forgiveness is possible regardless of how bad someone has hurt you.
I tried to break down the process of forgiveness into simple steps, but really, the path can be full of twists and turns.
And although I know it would be a ridiculous idea to ever start something up (which he probably wouldn’t even go for) I have subconsciously been trying.
Create a comfortable open line of communication where you can each say your peace and end the ever lasting dot dot dots.
They are my life and give me the burning to wake up and see the success of others and know that what we do is a great thing that is making and impact on others! It’s not about exonerating them, making them feel better, being the better man (or woman), saving face, demonstrating compassion, or anything else that has to do with how others see you.
You want them to see the situation from your perspective, thinking that when they do, you’ll finally feel better. Remember that this is not an intellectual exercise – you have to actually be able to feel what it is that you want. And, more importantly, you want to get to the point where you can feel good despite the fact that he’s still breathing the same air as the rest of humanity. Visualize yourself being ok, being happy, going on with your life, going out with friends, being carefree. Figure that out and you’ll be able to move towards that and eliminate the middle man (the person you think you need closure from). Often the most difficult thing is to forgive yourself, when you have done something seriously wrong. The result being that he turned from an angry young man into one who regretted very much what he had done and wanted to make up for it as much as he could. Of course I know that you can also use it in a negative way but I just never think about that. I meant someone whose plea for forgiveness had nothing whatever to do with those consequences but who only wanted the other person to be able to feel better by knowing how much he or she regretted what he had done.
I absolutely do not feel the need to find out why I feel the emotions that suddenly come up and just sit back and allow them and let them pass. There’s the concept of forgiving ourselves which comes with a whole different set of beliefs, and then the idea of asking others for forgiveness.
And when you stop judging other’s actions, you can stop judging your own – whoopee!
It sounds like your friend John Hewlett refused to hate others, refused to look at them in a way that didn’t agree with Who He Really Was, even if everyone else did so.
And with every time I talk to him it’s like I open up another cut that was almost healed.


He’s wavering between feeling like an idiot for ever trusting Chip (self-blame) and wanting to find him so he can rip his face off (revenge).
He realizes that the Chip incident is just one of a whole pattern of experiences that all feel the same.
But it’s made a HUGE difference to Dale, who not only feels tons better, but has drastically improved his vibration and all of his present and future relationships.
But often, getting the offending party to see things from your point of view, simply isn’t an option.
When you make peace with where you are, you are not judging the feeling or situation as good or bad. So, once you’ve released anger, figure out how you want to feel about yourself, about this situation, and about the person that hurt you.
It does not only concern the person or the fact in case any more but it influences your whole outlook on life. She kept in touch with him and after he was released from prison they started a program together to talk to young people in schools etc.
I can only say that for me asking someone for forgiveness is meant just as much to help the other one to feel better, to be able to let go of feelings or resent etc.
But honestly, if we just got out of our own way, we would naturally shift to a higher vibration. Ask anyone who’s ever taken revenge if they truly feel better (after the first five minutes).
In fact, when the man was released many years later, Hewlett (now a judge) performed his marriage ceremony. In that case, letting go of that story then become a huge and scary thing, because they are also letting go of part of who they are – part of their ego, if you will. Chip is sitting somewhere in Bermuda, so nothing Dale does or doesn’t do will affect him. Chip’s behavior has highlighted a belief that Dale has been carrying around with him for years.
And no matter how badly you feel, or how long you hold on to that horrible feeling, you can’t force it to be an option. But once you reach that point, you can follow these steps to drag yourself out of your pity-pit and back into Happy Shiny Puppy Land. Keep working on your visualization until you can truly get into the feeling of being confident, whole, secure, safe, and easily able to focus on the positives. Of course I have known that for some time also but I never really linked the two until now.
Just this morning I saw them like a flock of birds flying out of a cave into the fresh air and into the sunlight.
This is a man who as a civil rights activist drove a car belonging to Stokely Carmichael through Alabama, because it was too dangerous for Carmichael to drive it himself.
While this isn’t a good feeling emotion, it feels a lot more powerful than shame and self-blame and therefore, feels better. And as Dale has this realization, he works his way up the Vibrational Ladder, continues to find new perspectives, releases the belief of betrayal and ends up completely shifting his vibration around all relationships.
Notice, that if you know these steps, you can also help guide someone else through this process (for you helper types out there). But you have to accept that before you can move on and you do that by validating your feelings.
Then, use that visualization at least once a day, and every time you are reminded of the offense. This young man had the courage to stand there as a murderer and speak totally honest about what he had done in spite of the reactions he got sometimes.
I guess I would feel better anyway if my asking for forgiveness had been honest and if I had done whatever I could to make up for what I had done wrong. I am addressing those feelings now since I have started to allow them to come up, but now I have no idea any more where they came from because I somehow separated cause and perpetrator all those years ago! When we refuse to feel better by holding on to a certain point of view, we are getting in the way. Or do they now feel even uglier because the original pain is still there and now they also have the icky feeling left by hurting someone themselves?
I am blessed with a beautiful daughter whom I love and I have a loving and nurturing relationship with her. For the first time in his life, he’s attracting women who are kind and compassionate. And as you do, purposefully shift that anger away from yourself and towards someone or something else. This film impressed me very much and showed a case of real forgiveness, but can we setting ourselves free compare to that?
For him, forgiveness didn’t exist as a concept, because he simply never blamed anyone. Instead of pitying himself, he’s pacing around his apartment, ranting and punching couch cushions. It may feel good for a few minutes, but once that settles, we realize that our original vibration hasn’t shifted at all.
In this post, I’d like to make the case for why you should do that and give you the steps that can help you get there.



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