We graduated only a few short months later and moved away from each other, but maintained a friendship over the years. Although the decision to end the relationship had been mutual, over the following months, I cycled through many feelings and emotions. Even today, I can’t say that I have fully gotten over the relationship, but there are a few things that have been helpful to me in the process. Remind yourself that these feelings are a natural part of the healing process and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel whenever you feel it. Instead of dealing with the current state of the relationship, we sometimes tend to keep replaying the past, looking for answers that can’t always be found, or mentally create future situations that allow us to (temporarily) escape the pain. Depending on my mood, I would either analyze various scenes from our relationship, searching for any type of clue as to why things ended, or imagine a future in which we both realized the error of our ways and ended up happily married (with children).
However, focusing on the past and future forces us to stay stuck in an endless loop of pain and confusion, and prolongs the healing process.
Even though it’s difficult to accept that the relationship has ended, I have still gained invaluable information from the experience that I may not have received otherwise. Yes, sometimes the lessons hurt—and like hell. But learning is an important part of the healing process.
If you’re open to it, each relationship offers the potential for spiritual growth and evolution. Staying present is something I’m focusing on more and more and I can imagine so important when moving through a break-up. I’m not sure if you noticed, but the daily posts are actually all from different people. My relationship with my girlfriend just ended recently and I have been dealing with these emotions. This is precisely my biggest issue in life right now and at the sixth-month point after the break-up of a five-year-long, live-in relationship I’m still missing my ex as if we just broke up yesterday. The pain does fade with time but sometimes we all need some extra tools in our tool belts to deal with these difficult experiences. I hope that things get better for you and thank you so much for your comment!
I was feeling great until I looked at the comments section and the first comment has the same name as my ex-girlfriend… dangit!!!
Spot on, especially the part about trying to figure out why it ended and the part about replaying past or future scenarious. Currently with a break-up that happened out of nowhere and yes it hurts like hell.
I was in a similar situation too Eric, with a break that just ended so suddenly it just left me utter shock, but it’s been four months since then and I will tell you that the pain is nowhere as bad as it was initially. Thank you for writing your article and thank you to the other commenters for posting your feelings.
I really hope I get to a happy place. My ex and i just broke up about a week ago and hes in a relationship now.
I am surrounded by friends and family yet there still seems to be a void in my life and I wake up feeling empty. I told my friend that I had a crush on him and she promptly gave me two choices: Go speak to him or, she would embarrass me. In a fairy tale-like manner, he flew across the country, and we made the decision to start dating.
One day I would tell my friends that I was “so over him,” and the next day I’d find myself flat on my back, sobbing uncontrollably, wondering where we went wrong. My therapist calls this a tendency to “double bad.” You experience a negative emotion (sadness) and then make yourself feel even worse for experiencing it (guilt). Despite the numerous manuals and self-help books that have been written on this topic, the only real way to deal with a breakup is…to deal with the breakup.
I am better able to recognize what I need in a relationship and to communicate those needs to others. No relationship, no matter how negative it may seem, can be considered a “failure” if you have grown as a result of the experience. Even more than a writer, she strives to be an active agent of creation, choosing to see and create life through the lens of love. I had a hard time getting through my last break up and I often cycled through a plethora of emotions. I was amazed, when reading this, how much I could relate from break-ups I’ve been through in the past. I have been heavily depressed and suicidal and still in as much pain now as on the day she moved out and I have no idea if I can actually pull out of this.
I am currently riding the emotional ups and downs of a break up (three months after a five-year relationship). The most painful step for me was when I decided to clean up all the photos, cards, gifts and etc. I am going through a break right now, and I’ve been so confused see I also seem to go from one emotion to the next. I still do have days where my mind wants to just dwell in it but staying in that sad zone is a lot shorter now than in the past.
A few weeks ago, I discovered that he had been posting and replying to craigslist ads on a secret email account.
Sometimes, I find myself wondering, how can she not still love me, how can she not feel the same things I am feeling? He taught me how to tie a tie, he told me about his closeted love for Vanilla Ice, and we shared the most romantic evening I had ever experienced. Some people cry, get angry, lash out, become sad, or deny that the relationship is really over. Also, I’ve found the courage to face some of the issues that floated to the surface in the process of opening myself up to another person.
And you’re right, the only way to get through it is to let yourself feel it and not be critical of yourself.
How I would get through a break up has crossed my mind many times recently, and your guidance is extremely relevant and helpful!
I think after most of the pain subsides, you realize that the universe is giving you the lesson you needed, even if that wasn’t what you originally want it. Now I’m slowly getting back to my old self and feel much stronger as a person because of this experience. And to all those going through breakups right now, stay strong and remember they may not be in the picture anymore but the world still turns and life goes on.
Since being released into freedom there have been some major changes in my faith, my habits, and my general attitude.
I’m trying to work to accept that this was his choice and I need to respect that and do my best to move on but I feel like he gave up on something that could have been wonderful if we had just given it a little bit more time.
He says he cares for me and still loves me but how could someone move on so fast after a year and a half of wonderful memories? I would like to think this girl is a rebound but he has a tendency to move on quickly from relationship to relationship.
The words are woven together life a perfect quilt and engulfs the reader with warmth, depth and completeness.
Your tips are also really helping me finally let go of him and move on from the relationship. I was robbed of the future I wanted and the love of my life and I miss him so much and that there must be some mistake. At the time I caught him, he flipped out on me, saying it was all my fault for snooping and I put the nail in the coffin of our relationship.
I feel that now I am a much better person and if things are meant to be in the future, then my higher power will make it happen. I love him and he was my best friend I miss him so much sometimes that I don’t know what to do. Im so hurt by this because i so badly want to text him and have him tell me he loves me and i was special but i feel like im going to get hurt in the end…again. Actions speak so much louder than words; that was all the clarity I needed to confirm that he was using me and I never meant as much to him as he meant to me. I pleaded with him, it was pathetic, I cried and pleaded with him to forgive me for snooping. When I start to hurt again, pieces like this reminding me to deal with the feelings and not suppress them as well as stay in the present tense, are very helpful. I also suffer from anxiety and panic disorder so all this stress makes me feel sick and like i could just collapse at any moment. During our relationship he told me how much he loved me and wants to make things work forever but then in a matter of a night hetold me he thinkgs it would never work out. Needless to say this was impossible for me, and I ultimately told him today that it’s a dealbreaker. I just keep trying to remember that nothing is permanent and eventually this hurt will end.
The hard thing is that he is 99% good and he tried to convince me that I allowed the 1% bad to take over.
I am proud of myself for sticking up for myself, recognizing and telling the truth, but I keep thinking of the good times we’ve had. I told him I want to work this out, I don’t want our relationship to end, and I asked him to go to counseling with me. This is my first break up (my first boyfriend, the love of my life, tragically died after 3.5 years of us being together).
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