Not waiting, in the sense that I’ll be marking dates off my calendar, or keeping my arms wide open in case you decide to come running into them. I have been told I am worthless and weak, and have felt hands on my face that were far less than gentle. At a beautiful sight or in funny coincidences, as I pull out my phone and can’t think if someone to share it with, I see you. I have been keeping my naked body to myself because I’d much rather hold myself in the cold than share body heat with someone undeserving of my naked soul.

I share this with you for two reasons: one, as an advance apology if I am unintentionally clumsy with your love.
I hope you can appreciate this, not as a little boy excited to have a toy that no one else has played with, but as a man who can respect a woman for respecting herself. I pray not in the way or amount that I’ve been, but a simple and inevitable fact of life and love is this- shit happens, people hurt. But when you share with me stories of the women who thought they could rent my title for a short while, I will hold my bitter, jealous tongue.

The same way, I hope that you can appreciate the men in my past for allowing me to appreciate you to the fullest. But above all, I hope you do with our past the best thing anyone can do with it- keep it there.

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