Asked the universe to align things in your favor, as if the universe doesn’t have enough on its hands with Satanists and professional athletes constantly asking it the same thing?
Looked up from your smartphone long enough to stop and smell the roses and realize you should probably step out of the way of that bus?
Started each day by saying an empowering affirmation out loud as long as no one is around to hear you sounding like a douche? Followed up on every personal contact you have made, in order to make all the people you meet feel like nothing more than disposable stepping stones on your path to fulfillment?
Ever heard again from the poor, emotionally-limited saps you went and frightened away by opening up to them emotionally? Joined a support group for people who can’t seem to get sh*t done without joining a support group? Updated your resume to include a bunch of meaningless buzz words like proactive and self-starter, thus ensuring your long-term employment in the shredder?
Ended each day at peace, realizing you have done everything within your power to become better at blaming yourself when nothing you do seems to work?
Taken heart in the fact that no matter how low you may get, you will never give less of a crap than Congress?
What the retailers say makes these messages unique, however, is that they not only depict the great spiritual leader anticipating the celebration of a holiday commemorating his birth, but also imparting wisdom designed to encourage people to express their devotion to him by engaging in rampant consumerism. As translated below, the tablets on which the sayings appear have not yet been authenticated by independent analysts, but if they are real, they could very well ensure that we will have many more consumer-driven holidays to come. First of all, you are going to have to pry the smart phone from my cold, dead hands, I can tell you that. I guess we’re all supposed to give up our flat screen TVs, too, and go scouring the Internet for MP3s of old radio shows. If you really take this idea to the extreme, you end up with subsistence-based economies where everybody barters for the valuable goods and services they need and nobody goes hungry.

So, anyway, all due respect to John Lennon, but I’m cool with my possessions, thanks. But the holidays bring with them many challenges to those attempting to remain enlightened. Click on the poster above or use the embedded player below to hear what special self-help present my true love gave to me on the NINTH DAY OF BLISSMAS! Oh, sure, he’s a symbol of joy and wonder during the holiday season, but the fact is that Saint Nick has been working through some serious dysfunction over the years.
Apparently, witnesses report him laying his finger aside of his nose, and yet he refuses to attend even one Narcotics Anonymous meeting. Involved in a troubling, possibly asexual relationship with his wife; bursts into gales of unprovoked laughter to hide the pain that results from lack of intimacy. Justifies making a small crew of non-union elves break their backs to manufacture approximately thirteen billion toys in roughly nine hours by stroking his ego about the joy he supposedly brings to so many girls and boys. Despite his obvious inner pain about the hideous Santa Clause franchise, he refuses to publicly denounce Tim Allen’s portrayal of him.
Appointing himself judge and jury, he spies on children from the heavens and doesn’t think twice about leaving coal in the  stockings of those he deems unworthy. Remains in denial about his philandering ways despite the many children who have seen mommy kissing Santa Claus. Allows himself to overlook the harsh working conditions at his factory  just because he was magnanimous enough to let some misfit reindeer be the headlight on his sleigh. Has been waiting for the past several hundred years for the Food and Drug Administration to declare milk and cookies a vegetable. I’m sure there are more reasons why our favorite delivery boy needs a little head shrinking. With luck, you will be pleasantly surprised at how much you forgot to keep this list handy and consult it at the end of the New Year.

Oh, wait, we can’t scour the Internet for anything, because, I forgot, we’ve given up all our possessions!
I ask you, is that lunacy worth giving up the awesome photo you can post to Facebook with a 41 megapixel phone camera? Hey, Santa, you’re off for 364 days of the year, you think maybe you could make it to one my seminars? All of whom never actually set eyes on him and will cease to believe he exists by the time they are seven.
Paul Maul tradition: preparing yourself to kick butt in 2014 by symbolically looking back on 2014 as if 2014 had already happened and was no longer 2014.
Plus, what about the convenience of being able to settle arguments on the spot, using your Internet-enabled handheld device? Click on the poster above or use the embedded player below to hear what special self-help present my true love gave to me on the ELEVENTH DAY OF BLISSMAS! Click on the poster above or use the embedded player below to hear what special self-help present my true love gave to me on the TENTH DAY OF BLISSMAS!
I know, my head just exploded too, but give it a try and find out just how empow-WOW-ering this kind of self help lunacy can actually be! Do you want to live in a world wherein when someone wonders aloud who played the bully in Back to the Future, you will be unable to Google it and supply that information in the blink of an eye?

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