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Some people collect the friendship of exes and love interests – don’t stay in the harem!
Talking with a friend recently who was rather enamoured with a chap who was super ambiguous, a little probing revealed that this guy has a hell of a lot of female friends. This guy collects exes, love interests that he’s turned down as well as becoming friends with the exes of his friends.
They’re also deterrents that tend to keep potential new partners at bay or are disruptive if it progresses. I regularly ask people who are expending excessive amounts of energy on keeping their ex in their life: Exactly what part of moving forward with your life does your ex fit into?
He told me early on that he was in therapy for his divorce and could not keep his son overnight . Eventually this became a problem in our relationship, and when I called him on the carpet for his boundary busting behavior, he revealed why he was in therapy.
And then they get to be in charge, and they get to control a group of women, which makes up for all the times they felt smothered and hurt by the women in their lives when they were growing up (or NOT growing up, as the case may be). As for the comment that all these guys secretly hate women…I don’t believe that’s the case.
I know a women like this – she has a huge harem of exes along with rejected love interests. She still text messages very occasionally (maybe three times this year – she loves lazy communication) asking me how I am. Nina, yes, it feels ugly because you sense that their interest is centred only on themselves.
I noticed that ACMM seemed to need to have a romp just before any kind of “family” affair – Thanksgiving, the yearly “wife business trip” he attended. Single EUM also has a harem, but it seems to be fading out – he doesn’t have the charisma required to maintain fantasy. Also continually said that marriage or indeed a live in relationship would be like being trapped stuck in a box with someone his idea of hell. I also had a theory that he fell in love with men but had sex with women because he could never identify himself with being gay.
Another comment he used to make was it is amazing I’m not gay this was in reference to his upbringing. The women in his harem all think he is such a great guy (it is very important to him that he be seen as a good guy) – they are like sycophants!
I learned a lot about woman-haters from my first serious relationship, and from my last one. When I asked if he would like to do something after work in the weekday, he just made excuses.
Another guy who I suspected still had a girlfriend, his phone would constantly go off, he was even know to check it after we had sex and he would keep texting(yet again) He had tons of female friends and pictures of them(a bit creepy). Never ignore red flags, your gut will always tell you something is wrong even if you don’t have the evidence. Even the most secure people in the world would feel rattled by going out with someone who spends most of their time juggling their exes including ex love interests. You say you want to meet somebody and have a mutual relationship – why are you basing your life plans around how to keep your ex in your life or even how to keep them happy? Baggage Reclaim is a guide to learning to live and love with self-esteem by breaking the patterns that stand in your way. I remember when I was blissfully ignorant about narcisstic harems and all things AC (sigh). They see us as objects, pretty little heads, not nearly as clever or brilliant as they are, by our very nature. Once I cracked that particular Da Vinci code, a lot of other things began to fall into place. A couple of years ago I began distancing myself from her owing to my realisation that she was EU in our long standing friendship.

I think it takes a combination of the two to damage a man’s sense of masculinity in this way, so that he sees women as the enemy, but other men as an unattainable cause of yearning and craving for love. I say this because of how he talked about men and it was different to how he spoke about women. They hang on his every word, laugh at every joke, and give him an instant ego stroke whenever he needs it.
The dichotomy of acting like women are so crazy and beneath him yet consistently surrounding himself with women has always confused me. Does anyone know how to meet a guy who doesn’t have a collection of exes or female friends he fancies and wants to sleep with?
Like when you see those shows about hoarders and then can barely move for all of the stuff piled up around them and they feel super attached to stuff that they’re never going to use or appreciate for that matter. Whether it’s figuring out what’s going on in a troubling relationship, understanding you and self-care, or being more assertive, I’m here to help you guide you. But I believe what at the root of the commitment phobia is a deep fear of being rejected or smothered by a woman…and a fear of losing their freedom.
And it’s good to be aware of this, because it IS out there, and it can be very destructive to your self-respect.
I was getting a lot of anxiety and anger which was immediately relieved after the epiphany moment and taking action.
All of his co-workers are female and he thinks nothing of having lunch with them every day or going to happy hour with them every week. I thought his initial attraction to me was because we were friends first and would discuss this type of stuff at length. I think it is only possible if you are with a guy who is unattractive, less confident and socially awkward. At this point, she was still thinking that he was that special and putting him on a pedestal.
He would ignore my texts for hours, sometimes days, but he would come home from work (where he just spent ALL DAY with these women) and spend all night back and forth with them on FB.
Of course he painted me out to be the bad guy, posting heart breaking messages on his Facebook, I’m the least drama queen mental person you will meet.
Or she responds back quickly and then, after a few more short texts, she never texts you again.
Undeterred, she reassured me that these friendships (erm, more like a harem) were genuine and that he has all of these female friends because, well, he’s so intelligent, funny, and quirky.
All of this carry-on is reassurance that they’re not shady and is about maintaining illusions. My ex had played that card with me several times until I got wise and realized I wasn’t moving on as long as he had even a tiny hook in me via the friendship card. Friends do listen to each others dating stories, give advice and offer perspective about their personal lives.
They don’t know him, I saw a very different side to him on that night when he shouted at me and sent me home in a taxi late at night. All I want to do is ambiguously be friends with them and they all go and get the wrong feckin’ idea. Along with some other hygiene issues, he only showered every other day and didn’t always wash his hair . I would argue with him that when a guy says ALL of his exes are crazy he should look at himself because HE is the common denominator. I am ashamed to admit that ultimately I became part of this harem and ended up competing for his attention (and almost always lost).
But let’s face it, what woman wants a man who almost exclusively hangs out with other women all the time and only asks you to hang out at the last minute?? She probably knows more about you than you could ever guess so don’t go waving a red rag in front of that bull ok buddy?If you really want to get your ex girlfriend back then the quickest way to achieve that is by not acting like a 16-year old boy. I remember him hemming and hawing, backing out of my office saying he “just didn’t want me to feel like I was being excluded”.

Of course, it’s also possible that she lost her phone while rescuing a child from a burning home or something like that, but let’s focus on making a good first impression. To avoid her not responding to you, remember to:Make a good impression when getting her numberShe probably won’t have enough time to get to know you well enough just from your conversation, so the impression you make with your presence is very important. If she doesn’t show any initial interest, you know that trying to contact her later will be a waste of time.State your intentions directly.
I’ve got to go, but this Saturday I’ll text you and we can go to the movies or this great new Indian restaurant.
This way when you ask her for her number, you are clearly showing your intentions to meet her again.Girls that are interested in you will be happy to give you their numbers.
Notice if she is smiling and laughing or just chatting with you like she has nothing better to do.
There is a good chance that texting them will go well.Make sure you text her at the right timeA lot of girls have an “I don’t want to be considered easy” attitude. It’s almost guaranteed that after meeting up for the first time the girl is waiting for you to text her. The girl’s role in this whole love game is giving you her number and waiting for you to contact her. It depends on the situation, but a good rule of thumb is to wait at least 24-hours to text her.
That’s exactly how it should go, but let her wait a bit and she will begin waiting for your text in anticipation.
Don’t give her the impression that you are texting her just because you have nothing better to do.What to include in a first messageThe first few messages are crucial for making a good impression.
For example, if she said she was going shopping the next day and that her cousin was visiting, use this information to show her that you were paying attention.
Did you enjoy hanging out with your cousin today?”Ask her questions and avoid texts that don’t lead anywhere.
It’s always nice having a great conversation via text, but the point of texting or just communication in general is getting into her REAL LIFE.Make it clear that you want to hang out in your text messages. If you don’t have time to meet up with her today or tomorrow say:- How about going out to dinner sometime soon? Which day works best for you?Checkout this system if you need a step-by-step guidance on how to get her back, even if she didn’t reply to any of your texts!She may not respond immediately, but she should respond by the following day. If you really like her and she doesn’t call or text back within the next few days, call her or send a message.Persistence via text or phone can make wonders…Remember it’s important to remain cool, and text in a laid-back way. Don’t fall into the same traps that most men do; being needy, full of complaints, or pissed off at a girl for not replying; you’ll be sure of not getting a reply!Of course it may seem impolite that she hasn’t responded, but remember to her you’re a stranger! You want to be seen as an attractive, popular guy, so wait a few days before texting her, and don’t write anything like “I just want to talk to you, blah blah blah”. In this case make it a rule of thumb to respond in the following ways: She doesn’t reply after one day- give her another day to respond. She doesn’t reply after two texts or a of couple days- give her a few more days to respond. And so on, and so on…If she really never responds:There could be a few explanations for this. Take a risk next time and make it apparent that meeting in person is better than just merely texting.Checkout this system if you need a step-by-step guidance on how to get her back, even if she didn’t reply to any of your texts!
And don’t mind she is spending her evenings making love to an unemployed artist with HIV.

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    Whereas other authors or relationship specialists would have moved into.