March 25, 2015 By admin I recently gave a talk to a group of awesome people at Mariner’s Church who were either recently divorced or in the middle of a divorce. The 1st Essential in ensuring lasting love post divorce is our ability to develop insight and awareness regarding some things about ourselves and our relational qualities (or lack thereof). Many people, naturally, move through divorce in emotional pain and a need to see their ex as the “bad guy”. Research confirms that our chances to remain married significantly decrease with our second and third marriages. Generally speaking, people typically end marriages in two dominant emotional states: Guilt ridden or Resentful.
In our culture, divorce is still a dirty work with lots of negative stigma associated with it. Getting a clear direction of what you’re looking for and what you’re trying to avoid will help you to develop a more clear and conscious picture in your mind of what it is you need in a relationship. If you find yourself in a rebound relationship, don’t judge it, just understand it for what it is and what it’s providing you. Caution:  There are large amounts of oxytocin running through your brain and you’re not thinking clearly. Being single after a recent divorce can be a wonderful opportunity to learn, or relearn all of the tools and skills necessary for a successful relationship.
For some, going through a divorce will turn out to be the biggest blessing as you find and settle into a relationship that you’ve always dreamed of. Use the form below to delete this Just Want A Guy Who Really Understands Me Someone Loves For image from our index.
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Be notified first when new programs are available by "Following" and "Liking" us or drop us an email.Please Choose to Support Divorce Source Radio and Keep us Comercial FreeFor six years, DSR has provided the best information from the nation's leading experts in the field of divorce for free. Welcome to Divorce Source Radio!Divorce Source Radio is the nation’s most listened to Free Audio Source for information related to divorce.
After the messy divorce, the custody and support hearings, and the grieving, is it really possible to clean one’s slate and start out fresh, with a positive mindset, and open up one’s heart to someone new? It turns out that divorced singles who successfully enter into new, serious relationships handle key issues, including money, very differently than they did in their previous marriage. In my longitudinal study of marriage, which is funded by the National Institutes of Health and has been ongoing since 1986, I followed the same 373 married couples over the years—through the early years of marriage and, for 46 percent of them, through divorce. In addition, divorced singles who consciously set about to change one significant behavior (such as quitting smoking, working fewer hours, or getting regular exercise) were not only more likely to find a new partner, but also described themselves as very happy and hopeful in their new relationships. From letting go of the past and not blaming their ex, to giving more daily attention to their new partner, the lessons learned from divorced people in my study amount to excellent marriage advice. Yes, you can find love again, no matter how old you are or how terrible your previous marriage was. Learn more about how to have a successful second marriage and discover the marriage lessons learned from divorced people in my new book, Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship (Sourcebooks, 2012).
Terri Orbuch PhD is a professor at University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research and director of the longest running study of marriage and divorce in the US.
See all articles from Red Hot ReadsSex & the Single Minded Woman CONTEST! By clicking on the button above, I confirm that I have read and agree to the Terms and Conditions and Privacy Policy. By age 18, most of us have discovered that relationships can be a source of great joy, satisfaction and meaning when our needs for love, affection and companionship are met. Or a source of heartache and sorrow when they’re not.
Few things in life are as uplifting as being in a loving relationship. Or as painful as losing someone we love. This means facing our fears, rather than letting them run us, fending off feelings of desperation and panic, allowing ourselves ample time to heal, finding constructive ways to express the anger and sorrow we may feel and keeping the faith that we’ll someday find love again. At the heart of all forward movement is good self-care. Some of us are struggling to keep our heads above water in a relationship that has suffered a betrayal, debilitating illness, injury, personal or financial crisis or a death.
When you understand what you are experiencing, and the symptoms of heartache, you can start to work on each piece of your life and your heart,  putting your life back together again so you can heal your heart again.
If you have questions, you can join our membership and log into our very private Facebook group and ask any of our experts for their advice and counsel about the divorce process and even for healing and moving on. After a series of painful divorces, Vicky’s passion and purpose let her to her newest venture “The Cafe’ D”, an on line respite site for those that find themselves going through the pain of divorce, providing them with referrals, resources and emotional support at a most difficult time in their lives. Separating Pride From the Process: How to become a better parent during the divorce process. I was asked to talk to the group about what’s involved in finding love again after a divorce and how people can successfully navigate the sometimes turbulent waters of new relationships post divorce. However, in nearly all divorces, with exceptions around abusive issues, we can attribute contributing factors to both parties for the ended relationship. Generally, the person who initiates the divorce (The Rejecter) tends to carry with them a heavy burden of guilty for “giving up”, or “walking away”.   This person’s journey toward growth is to shed this guilt, which is often implicitly casted upon us from cultural shame regarding divorce.
These are the one’s who got “left” in the marriage, and these people tend to carry with them an unhealthy level of hurt and distrust into their future relationships.
Developing self-compassion is coming to the realization that staying married isn’t always better than divorce, despite our culture’s tendency to see divorce versus staying married in such dualistic, win versus lose scenarios. Many couples divorce not having these skills, and naturally move into future relationships with this skill deficit.  Without these basic skills, we will simply have no chance at having a successful marriage. Having this new relationship is not beyond reach, but it takes intentionality and a conscious decision to grow relationally, psychologically, and interpersonally.
If you feel these programs have helped you, would you please consider a donation to help cover our expenses and keep DSR on the air? In fact, divorced people are especially well equipped to have a healthy and successful second marriage.

When divorced men and women from my study find a new partner, I ask what they’ve done differently (or have changed) in their new relationship.
You can change your attitude and unhelpful habits, untangle your biases and unrealistic expectations, reconnect with your priorities and values, and take a big step out into the dating scene. RightFriendships & Family Duchess Digest: Three Tips to a Spring Rendezvous!
Whether we lose them as the result of death or a “living loss” like separation, divorce, infidelity, alcohol, drug addiction, illness, injury or something else, moving on can present some daunting challenges. Facing these challenges, taking the necessary time to get our footing and opening the doors to finding love again is best achieved when we balance patience with courage.
Learning to love and care for yourself and lightening your stress load are at the core of everything good that is to come.
We may feel like we’re dying, and battling terrible, insurmountable sorrow and despair, but we’re valiantly fighting to keep our hopes and relationships alive. In my experience as a therapist working with lots of people who have gone through a divorce, I’ve found there are “4 Essentials” that are necessary to finding lasting love post divorce, and if we work to ensure we have these “4 Essentials” integrated in our lives moving forward, our chances of getting everything we want in our next relationship is within our reach! To the degree that we can take an honest and objective appraisal of personalities, character, and relational qualities, will dictate our ability to be relationally successful in the future. This daunting statistic is the proof that most people do not diligently seek to develop awareness as described above. The Guilty Rejecter, may be more inclined to have loose boundaries in future relationships or “tolerate” more than they feel is right for them because of their sense of guilt. Because many Resentful Rejectee’s were caught off guard and felt abandoned when the relationship ended, they have a hard time trusting in future relationships.
To achieve the relationship of your dreams, we have to first know what it is exactly we’re  looking for. About the Rebound – I’m a bit of a contrarian when it comes to the rebound relationship and for many reasons, I think it can actually be a very valuable process, as long as we know what we’re doing and why we’re doing it. And if you think you have these skills mastered, you can always ask your ex what he or she thinks of your skills set in this department.
If you’re committed to growing and you find a mate with the same value to grow personally, you’ll have the makings of something special! Terri Orbuch, PhD, called Finding Love Again, 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship. For instance, almost 6 out of 10 divorced singles (57%) who are now in healthy new relationships don’t share living expenses with their partner. Learn to gently tell others you’re doing the best that you can and choose only energy givers for your support team. Explain in precise terms exactly what kind of support you need. Your brain doesn’t know the difference, so emotional pain can feel like physical pain! Instead, many people falsely believe that if they find “the right person”, their relational outcomes will be different. The Guilty Rejecters need to be on the lookout for how their guilt may be influencing their future relationship. The Resentful Rejectee’s are defensive about relationships and many adopt a posture of “I don’t need anyone”. As a couples therapist, I believe having a happy and successful marriage is difficult to achieve, but it’s doable. And when. This will save you and your team a lot of unnecessary stress, wasted effort and aggravation down the road. Don’t let antiquated defense mechanisms like withdrawing, avoiding, pouting, holding grudges, emotional dishonesty, the silent treatment or using sarcasm block you from finding love again. Develop the healthy, proactive coping and communication skills that make relationships into the equivalent of an open book test. Developing compassion for ourselves is acknowledging, but not judging or condemning, which of these two emotional states most likely represents our current situation and working toward making small changes in the other direction. Increased awareness allows us to make better conscious decisions going forward and to avoid unconscious decisions from our history.

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