We'll see the dealers moving around the house, looking at the various objects d'age, and writing their bids on coloured slips of paper.
Just when we're getting into the swing of the programme, up pops that ITV daytime standby, the Call And Lose Contest.
The programme often refers to an "independent valuer", and this mysterious figure is held as the final arbiter of truth. Even without this, we reckon the show does pass as a game show, though more under the narrow definition of "game" used by economists. Of course, none of this is ever mentioned on the programme, just as the various theories of utility don't get explained on other daytime television programmes. And for those who don't understand a word of the last few paragraphs: the answer to the call-and-lose question was "fence". A certain irregularity about proceedings this week, because it appears that both sides have sent teams of 12, rather than the regulation four.
Round one steps in and drags the squabbling parties apart, and Fantasy have a question that makes no sense to us, until we find one of Julius Caesar's assassins.
Bridge have the audio round, which begins with a guitar solo, then some pastoral tune, more guitar work, and they guess at "Australia".
Fantasy Writers start round two, and ask who was Chowsingha, and why is he next to the Triceratops?
The following review contains references to Swiss performers that some readers may find offensive.
It's another Football Friday, the latest score from Dublin is that Russia are a goal up, and that Keeva and Shabby are bottles of gin down.
They'll be dancing on the streets of Athens tonight, as Georgia has actually won a game, beating Malta by a goal to nil, and that becomes a best for this year.
This year's Fabricated Row Involving Simon Cowell Annoys is that, apparently, one of the contestants had A Bit of Previous, having been signed to the show's corporate sponsor, Sony BMG Records. Surprising scenes at ITV2, where Celebrity Juice is the biggest game show, 1.23m saw the Thursday broadcast, beating Xtra Factor (975,000). Anything is up for grabs, and they'll leave sealed bids on anything they might want to buy.
Yes, some of them make bids in order to annoy the other dealers, but these are rarer than honest and genuine offers. She presents in a brisk, efficient style, able to explain what's going on without dominating proceedings.
Given a potential £12,000 on the board, does the householder feel compelled to sell and realise as much of that as possible?
We're not entirely sure why this should be: they are, after all, just one antiques expert in a field of four. One was from a recently-widowed lady, who appeared to want to clear out some of the collection from her late husband.
In this show, the dealer is using money in one classical economic definition, as a unit of account. It would be pleasant for some daytime television show (or some television show full stop) to attempt to explain some of the deeper effects, but we'll take these covert references where we can find them. Furthermore, they appear to be reviving the Pass the Baton round from the 1980s, in a variant that involves the movement of both the stick and some small white balls. No, not the link, it's countries in general – Panama, Finlandia, and Brazil the other three.
It's another Imperial echo, and we just have to weight for Bridge to remember there are 16 O in a P, and pick up 2P.
John Humphrys welcomes us to television's toughest quiz involving a black chair and going out at 8pm on Friday.
Lecter, a psychiatrist and gourmet, finds a novel way of removing unruly patients from his practice: he kills and eats them.


An island in San Fransisco Bay, Alcatraz has been a military fortress, a prison, a home for Native Americans, and is now part of the Golden Gate Recreation Area. This is a large subject, but it's very well documented – there must be a zillion books, many of very high scholarly quality. Philpot has a remarkable score to reach, but kicks off well with Boy George and the humble loaf.
Gosh, it must be: the leaves are turning, conkers are falling, the East Michigan Eagles are losing at football, and there's a Fabricated Row Involving Simon Cowell Annoys. This contestant appeared in a transparent marketing push for much of last year; the plot of "Green-Eyed World" was to follow the fictional character's path to inevitable stardom, and to push a particular brand of sickly-sweet drink.
There will be local versions in Cyprus and Ireland, and a show is being made for consumption in Iran – this one will actually be produced in the UK, using Iranian expatriates. Obviously, the dealers are going to want to turn a profit, so they'll bid something less than the open market value.
Or will they make more calculated choices, not accepting bids they don't feel are worthwhile?
True, the "independent valuer" is the only one without a stake in the outcome, but they are as fallible as the next person. The householder is using money in another classical economic definition, as a store of wealth.
That's a bonus to Fantasy, and they promptly pick the picture clue: a pfennig, Psycho, a pterodactyl, and it's so much easier when written down.
It's an invertebrate, like the first words in Mssng Vls, and that round ends 2-(-1) in favour of Bridge. That's with the possible exception of Postcode Challenge, where we don't know the seating arrangements.
The entire round is taken up with discussion of Alcatraz Prison, which we think is a bit of a swizz. The contender is visibly annoyed to miss even one question, can't wait to shout out the answers, and ends up on 15 (0).
He can only afford a few incorrect answers if he wants to win tonight, needs perhaps a dozen answers to be assured of returning, but gets stuck on 21 points for an awfully long time.
Pendreigh; his 35 is equivalent to about 32 in the old scoring system, and that's the sort of score a series winner might achieve.
Needless to say, fact was bent to follow fiction, the performer had an album released overseas and played to gatherings of almost some people. Last year's Fabricated Row was all about the scheduling of Simon Cowell Annoys opposite Strictly Come Dancing, and it's a slight shame that the BBC has declined to renew hostilities this year.
Only Connect was seen by 450,000, QIXL had 415,000 on Dave, Ballroom With the B-List 185,000 on Watch, QI took 105,000 on BBC-HD, and Wedding TV's The Great Cake Bake attracted a whopping 5000 viewers. But some will prefer new runs of America's Next Top Model (UK Living, 9pm Monday), and there's always Have I Got News for You (BBC1, 9pm Thursday; BBC2, 9pm Friday). After an hour of television time (and eight minutes of screen time), the householder returns. Will they be swayed by competition amongst the bidders, and by information from the "independent valuer"? The other was a gentleman in his seventies, selling his own collection: here, the aim seemed to be to realise a few thousand pounds, and we had the feeling that he picked and chose which items he would sell to reach his target. Billy is prepared to pay £100 for the lampshade, he believes he can sell it on for a little more.
The teams: Fantasy Writers are Geoff Ryman, Paul Cornell, and Liz Williams, and we find that Victoria has never seen an episode of Doctor Who. Married on W, and there's too much hesitation from the team, so it's across for a bonus – he was Taken Ill on T. Still, if that's what the contestant nominated, the failure is from the producers for not explaining the round.


When asked after a London district, it's always good to guess, and we wouldn't mind seeing a Battersea butterfly. The contender also picks up the site of Truro cathedral, but misses the classical Mastermind questions about Whitsun and Lloyd George. The Sistine Chapel, Carl Lewis, spaniels, the career of Daedalus, Ken Dodd, and Dudley Moore all provide correct answers, and when his score tips up to 30, we can be sure that we'll be seeing this contender again. Even Vince Cable can't come to his rescue, as we endure one of the longest and most painful brain freezes it's ever been our misfortune to see.
The year before had a Fabricated Row so successful that we've completely forgotten what it was.
It's since emerged that Miss Better Singer is the daughter of a refugee from Zimbabwe, and the mother has been asked to leave the UK for breaching the onerous conditions imposed on refugees. Codi Canu has a new format (S4C, 8.25 Tuesday), and we think My Genius Idea (BBC2, 4pm Tuesday) is a junior version of Genius (BBC2, 10pm Monday).
The householder is encouraged to bring friends and family round with them, will this influence their decisions? Both of these are perfectly fine ways of playing the game, as are any other number of strategies. The householder is prepared to accept £100 for it because she believes she can use that wealth for a better purpose, an experience she'll not forget rather than an object sitting in the corner of the room.
Fantasy go for it very early, Philip II of Spain and Simon Bolivar were rulers of other countries, but it's wrong, the other clues don't fit.
Bridge have some more countries: 4th Indonesia, then United States, and a lot of discussion: area or population? After a few correct answers, the contender falls into something of a pass spiral, and pulls out of it to finish on 10 (6).
Most of the stars are involved as a question or an answer, but there are enough slips to make us sweep the floor for bananas. Populist papers have been campaigning to keep a refugee in the UK, rather than blaming them for everything that's wrong with the country.
If you're still suffering from Big Brother withdrawal symptoms, there's coverage of Josie and John James' housewarming where they throw a duvet over it (C5, 10pm Monday), and Davina appears on Comedy Roast (C4, 9pm Friday). Chris Cooper, Nick Smith, and Tim Dickinson are the Bridge Players, and they describe it as the most intellectually challenging of card games. Five candidates, they've got to be precise and systematic in their jabbing, and they leave at least one possibility untouched. It's only done so that people know that Simon Cowell Annoys is still on, is still as creatively bereft as ever, and is still being done to promote Sony BMG in general and Simon Cowell in particular. We are literally hollering at our television, they're taking forever to work this one out, and we're giggling at January, on a mathematical progression. We're not entirely sure why, they are camera shots on the telly which emerges from somewhere.
The missing link is taxi drivers – apparently Noel Edmonds and Stephen Fry all do that. Disaster for Bosnia and Herzegovina, Duro has scored on the stroke of half-time to put Albania level at 1-1. As does Round Britain Quiz's Fred Housego, who got a set of questions about road crossings that didn't even mention the Pegasus Crossing.



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